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Always laugh when you can... Laughter is the best medicine!

BAR JOKES

Jumps over to the window

This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out. Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again. Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing. One hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says: "Hey, how the heck are you doing that?!"
The first guy responds: "Oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk."
"WOW!", exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!." So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below.
The bartender looks over to the first man and says: "Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."
Giving a lecture

After 5 hours sitting in the bar, a man was in no shape to drive, wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 am?", said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture.", the man said.
And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?", the cop asked.
"My wife!!!" said the man.
A jar of olives

A man walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the guy started to leave.
"Excuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what the guy had done. "What was that all about?"
"Nothing", said the guy, "My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
One more martini

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes his drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket and asks the bartender for another double martini. After he finishes his second drink, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and asks the bartender to bring another double martini.
The bartender says: "Look, I'll bring you martinis all night, but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket every time you order a refill."
The man says: "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."
Just give me the bill

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender: "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $155.00. The drunk says: "I haven't got it." The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.
The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says: "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $183.00. The drunk says: "I haven't got it." The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street.
The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says: "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill." In disgust, the bartender says: "What, no drink for me this time?" The drunk replies: "You? No way! You get too violent when you drink."
I slept with your mother!

Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams: "I slept with your mother!"
The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells: "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!"
The other says: "Go home dad, you're drunk!"
The stupid tuxedo

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party in a bar.
When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned: "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.
"And why not, darling?", the father asked.
You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."
And WHY NOT?

A man leaves a bar, gets into his car and drives away. A mile down the road, he's stopped by a police officer.
The officer walked up to the driver's side window holding a Breathalyzer and said: "Good evening sir. We're testing for drunk driving. Would you please blow into this machine?" The man says: "Sorry officer, but I can't do that. I have asthma. If I blow in that machine, I will get out of air."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample", said the officer.
"I can't do that. I have anemia and if you stick a needle in me I will bleed to death."
"Well, then we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."
"Alright... then you'll have to get out and walk 5 yards along this white line."
"I can't do that either, officer."
The officer was getting irritated... "And WHY NOT?"
"Because I'm dead drunk."
A beer for one penny

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"One penny?!", exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied: "Yes!"
So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks: "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"
"Certainly, sir", replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?", inquires the guy.
"Four cents", he replies.
"Four cents?!", exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies: "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says: "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies: "Same as what I'm doing to his business."

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