Always laugh when you can... Laughter is the best medicine!
Desert Island Jokes
Father's Day Jokes
Mother in Law Jokes
Mother's Day Jokes
New Year Jokes
Old People Jokes
St. Patrick's Jokes
Valentine's Day Jokes
Women's Day Jokes
There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, just a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.
The boy walked into the back room and said: "There's some idiot out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added: "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.
Later, the manager called on the boy and said: "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"
The boy replied: "Canada, sir."
"Oh, really? Why did you leave Canada?" asked the manager.
"Because there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there", the boy replied.
"Hey! My wife is from Canada!" announced the offended manager.
The boy replied: "Really? What team did she play for?"
US naval ship
After 5 hours sitting in the bar, a man was in no shape to drive, wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet.
Canadians: And this is a lighthouse!
Made in Canada
President Obama called Stephen Harper with a pressing emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the American President cried: "My people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!"
"Barack, the Canadian people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the Prime Minister.
"I do need your help," said Obama. Could you possibly send us 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"
"Of course! I will get on hit right away" said Harper.
"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said President Obama.
"Could the condoms be red, white and blue, and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" asked Obama.
"No problem," replied the Prime Minister, and with that, Harper hung up and called the president of Trojan.
"I need a favor. You got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away, and send them to America."
"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.
"Great! Now listen to me. They have to be red, white and blue, and at least 10" long and 4" in diameterr."
"That's easily done. Anything else?"
"Yes," said the Prime Minister, "and print on them: MADE IN CANADA, size: SMALL."
In a train car there were a Canadian, an American, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the American had a big red slap mark on his cheek.
The blonde thought - "That American son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face."
The fat lady thought - "This dirty old American laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him".
The American thought - "That bastard Canadian put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me".
The Canadian thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon, so I can smack that stupid American again".
Proud to be Canadian
A Canadian is someone who: drinks Brazilian coffee... from an English teacup... and munches a French pastry... while sitting on their Danish furniture... having just come home from an Italian movie... in their German car.
He picks up their Japanese pen... and writes to their Member of Parliament to complain about the American take-over of the Canadian publishing business.
Some more facts about Canada
- In Canada we have two seasons - WINTER AND JULY!
- In Canada, the local paper covers national and international headlines on two pages, but requires six pages for HOCKEY.
- In Canada, we order double cheeseburgers and a DIET coke.
To change a lightbulb
How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Twelve. Four to form a Parliamentary study committee to decide how to solve the problem, one Francophone to complain that I didn't translate this joke into French, one Native Canadian to protest that the interests of Native Canadians have been overlooked, one woman from the National Action Committee On the Status Of Women to say that women have been underrepresented in the process, one to go over the border to the Niagara Falls Factory Outlet Mall and buy a new bulb and not pay duty on it on the way back, one to actually screw it in, one to collect taxes on the whole procedure so the government can afford it, one to buy a case of Molson for everybody to drink, and one to drop the puck.
A Canadian man was in a diner having coffee and croissants with butter and jam when an American man chewing gum sat down next to him.
The American snapped his gum and said: "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?"
The Canadian replied, "Of course."
The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Canada."
The American had a smirk on his face. "D'ya eat jelly with the bread?"
The Canadian replied, "Of course."
The American cracked his gum between his teeth. "We don't. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast. We put all the peels, seeds and leftovers into a container, recycle and transform them into jam and sell it to Canada."
The Canadian asked: "Do you have sex in the States?"
The American replied: "Of course we do."
The Canadian asked: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
The American replied: "We throw them away, of course."
Then the Canadian smiled. "We don't. In Canada we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States.
Big red trucks
A Canadian came home and found his house on fire, rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted: "Hurry over here... My house is on fire!"
"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
"What!!! Say, don't you still have those big red trucks?
At the Olympics in Canada, Prime Minister hopeful Stockwell Day, started a speech at the opening ceremonies.
He began as follows:
"Oh...." "Ooooo...." "Oh...." "Ooo...." "Ooohh.", until one of his advisors quietly pointed out that the Olympic symbol was not a part of the speech to read.
New Tax Form
Canada's T1 Tax Return Form
(New Simpler Format)
1. How much money did you make? $________
2. Send it to us.
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