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Desert Island Jokes
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Mother's Day Jokes
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Women's Day Jokes
It will change your life
So this lady goes to her doctor and explains that her husband can't get it up like he used to and their sex life is suffering. The doctor asks: "Have you heard of a new drug named Zyban?"
The lady says 'yes', but adds that her husband refuses to take pills of any kind, and certainly won't take anything that "will make him feel like less of a man."
The doctor advises the woman to slip it into his morning coffee when he isn't looking. The woman is nervous, but the doctor insists: "It will change your life within a day," so she figures she'd better try it.
A week goes by and the lady shows back up at the doctor's office and the doctor asks her how it went. The lady heaves a tremedous sigh and explains: "I snuck it into his coffee like you said. And, sure enough, within 15 minutes, he cleared off the table, threw me on it and we had the best sex we'd had in 20 years."
Perplexed, the doctor asks: "What's wrong with that?"
And the lady schakes her head and says: "I don't think i'll be able to show my face at Tim Hortons again."
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "What are you thinking now?"
He replied: "It looks like I did a pretty good job."
Oh hell, he knows!
Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill's wife wasn't wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed him and asked: "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"
John admitted that, well, yes, he did.
She said: "You can have it, but it will cost you $100."
After a minute or two, John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should come to her house around 2:00 pm on Friday. Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 pm. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom, had sex and then John left.
Bill came home about 6:00 pm. He asked his wife: "Did John come by this afternoon?"
Reluctantly, she replied: "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."
Next Bill asked: "Did John give you $100?"
She thinks: "Oh hell, he knows!" Finally she says: "Well, yes... he did give me $100."
"Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back."
I'm going to Las Vegas
A man comes home from work to find his wife in the bedroom, packing her suitcase.
"What the hell are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm leaving you for a better life," she replies.
"Where do you think you're going?" he asks.
"I'm going to Las Vegas," she answers. "I hear they pay $400 for a fucking there."
The man thinks for a minute, then gets his suitcase out, and starts packing his clothes.
"What the hell are you doing?" his wife asks.
"I'm going to Las Vegas, too," he answers. "I want to see how you live on $800 a year!"
Not tonight honey
One night a man rolls over in bed and gives his wife a big grin. She says: "Not tonight honey, I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay clean and fresh."
The man feeling rejected rolls over and tries to go to sleep. In a few minutes he rolls back over and asks his wife: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow?"
A couple were having financial problems until finally they couldn't stand it any more. The husband said to his wife that is was necessary for her to make some money through prostitution to get by.
So the husband drove her to the place where she had to do the job and in the evening he picked her up again.
"So, how much have you earned today?" the husband asked.
"Well", the woman responded, "I've made one hundred dollars and fifty cents."
"That's strange", the husband responded, "who gave you the fifty cents?"
Said the woman: "All of them, of course!"
I can feel the water
"There were these three guys at the lake, a German, an Englishman and a Nigerian.
The German took out his dick, put it in the water, waited a while and told the others: "I can feel the water it's a 32 degrees Celsius".
The other two were amazed. "Let me try", the Englishman said. So he put his organ in the water, waited and said: "To be more exact, the temperature is 32.3".
At last the black man took his equipment, lowered it into the lake and said: "I've no idea about the temperature, but the water is 2 feet 9 inches deep"
It's for your headache
A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water.
His wife asks: "What's that for?"
"It's for your headache."
"I don't have a headache."
He replies, "Gotcha!"
Quotes About Sex:
Billy Crystal: Women need a reason to have sex - men just need a place.
Steve Martin: I believe that sex is one of the most natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
Beverly Mickins: I love the lines the men use to get us into bed: "Please, I'll only put it in for a minute. "What am I... a microwave?
How do you make four old ladies say "FUCK!"?
Get a fifth one to yell "BINGO!"
The male sex has two hobbies. What are they?
His left hand and his right hand.
What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
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