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Always laugh when you can... Laughter is the best medicine!
MAN-WOMAN
I won the lottery

A man gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts: "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery."
The wife says: "Wow! That's great! Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains?
He says: "I don't care. Just get the fuck out."
Advertisement

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
A little bit different

A woman gives birth to a baby and afterwards, the doctor comes in and says: "I have to tell you something about your baby."
The woman sits up in bed and says: "What's wrong with my baby, doctor? What's wrong?"
The doctor says: "Well... now... nothing's wrong exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
The woman says: "A hermaphrodite... what's that?"
The doctor says: "Well, it means your baby has the... er... features... of both a female and a male."
The woman turns pale. She says: "Oh my God! What do you mean?"
The doctor: "Well, it has a Vagina... AND a Brain!"
Upgrade

Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Poker night 10.3 and Beer bash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can not seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but un-install does not work on this program.
Ten things not to say to a naked guy

1. It's more fun to look at.
2. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
3. Wow, and your feet are so big.
4. It's ok, we'll work around it.
5. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
6. What do you call this?
7. Is that an optical illusion?
8. What is that?
9. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
10. Where's the rest of it?
Woman: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Man: "It's in the phone book."
Woman: "But I don't know your name."
Man: "That's in the phone book too."
***
Woman: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Man: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
***
Woman: "I know how to please a man."
Man: "Then please leave me alone."
***
Woman: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Man: "Yes, that's great... but would you stay there?
***
Q: How do you know when a woman is going to say something smart?
A: It will start with: "A man once told me...!
Wife: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
Husband: "Definitely not!"
Wife: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
Husband: "Of course I do."
Wife: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
Husband: "Okay, I'd get married again."
Wife: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."
Husband: (makes audible groan).
Wife: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
Husband: "Where else would we sleep?"
Wife: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
Husband: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
Wife: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
Husband: "No, she's left-handed."
- - - silence - - -
Husband: "Shit."
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