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MONEY JOKES

Arithmetic

Johnny, if you had 5$ and you asked your father for 3$ more, how many dollars would you have?
I would have five dollars...
You don't know your arithmetic, Johnny...
You don't know my father, Mrs. Mutch...
Your first worry

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"Excuse me?" the accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."
"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"
"I'll start you at eighty thousand."
"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
A charity

Johnny collected lots of money from trick or treating and he went to the candy store to buy some chocolate. "You should give that money to charity", said the shopkeeper.
"No, I'll buy the chocolate. YOU give the money to charity!"
Male dancer

The other day, my friends and I went to a ladies' night club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!
Not to be outdone, another friend pulled out a $20 bill. She called the guy back over, licked the $20 bill, and stuck it to his other butt cheek.
In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulled out a $50 bill and called the guy over.
I was worried about the way things were going, but she licked the bill and just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.
My relief was short lived. Seeing the way things were going, the guy gyrated over to me!
Now everyone's attention was focused on me, and the guy was egging me on to try and top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do?
I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the 80 bucks, and went home.
I'll send you some money

A kid called up his mom from his college and asked her for some money, because he ran out of it.
Mom said: "Sure, sweetie. I'll send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?"
"Uh, oh yeah, OK," responded the kid.
So Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book.
When she gets back, Dad asked: "Well, how much did you give the boy this time?"
Mom said: "Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20, and the other for $1000"
"That's $1020!!!" yelled Dad, "Are you crazy???"
"Don't worry hon," Mom said, as she kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in Chapter 19!"
Funny Quotes About MONEY

Oscar Wilde: "When I was young I used to think that money was the most important thing in life. Now that I am old, I know it is."
Mark Twain: "October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February."
Robert Orben: "Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work."
Sophie Tucker: "I've been rich and I've been poor: Rich is better."
JP Getty: "If you owe the bank $100 that's your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that's the bank's problem."
Morton Shulman: "To make a million, start with $2.000,000."
Errol Flynn: "If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I'm prepared to forget it if they are."
Brendon Francis: "The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less."
Money isn't everything

It can buy a house, but not a home.
It can buy a bed, but not sleep.
It can buy a clock, but not time.
It can buy you a book, but not knowledge.
It can buy you a position, but not respect.
It can buy you medicine, but not health.
It can buy you blood, but not life.
It can buy you sex, but not love.

So you see, money isn't everything...

I tell you all this because I am your friend, and as your friend I want to take away your pain and suffering... so send me all your money, and I will suffer for you.

A truer friend than me you will never find...

CASH ONLY, PLEASE!

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