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POLICE JOKES

Spelling problems

Two police officers stopped a guy for speeding on the province highway in Mississauga, Ontario. As they were writing up the ticket, one oficer turned to the other and said: "How do you spell Mississauga?"
The other one replied: "I don't know."
So the first one said: "Well what are we gong to do? If we spell it wrong, it will get dismissed."
The second oficer said: "Why don't we just let him go and stop him again when he gets to Toronto?"
Bloodshot eyes and glazed eyes

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"
The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"
Nobody available

A man was going to bed one night when his wife told him that he had left the light on in the shed. She could see the light was on from the bedroom window. As the man looked for himself he saw that there were people in the shed taking things.
The man phoned the police, but they told him that no one was in the area to help him at that time, but they would send someone over as soon as they were available.
He said "OK," hung up, and waited one minute, then phoned the police back. "Hello" he said, "I just called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now 'cause I've shot them."
Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an Armed Response unit, the works. Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the officers said: "I thought you said that you shot them!" The man replied, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
Give me an excuse

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the Trans Canada Highway for a nice evening drive. The top down, breeze blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle went over 140 km/h, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch my BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 160, 180.... then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
I've been waiting for you

A young man was speeding down the freeway when he was pulled over by a police officer. The officer got out of his car and slowly walked to the young man's sports car. "I've been waiting for you all day," the officer said.
Immediately, the young man replied: "Well, I got here as fast as I could."
No, you donít understand

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," the desk sergeant told him.
"No, no, no... you donít understand!" replied the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
The helpful wife

A man and his wife were driving on the highway when a state policeman appears in their mirror and obviously wants them to pull over.
State cop: "License and registration please. I clocked you on the radar going 75 mph."
Man: "There must be some mistake I was only going 65."
Wife: "Oh Harold, you were going at least 80!"
State cop: "I'm also fining you for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "But, I just took it off as you were approaching my car."
Wife: "Oh Harold, you know you never wear your seat belt."
Man: "Listen you dumb %^?!* shut your *^&%# mouth."
State cop: "Ma'am, does he always talk to you this way?"
Wife: "Only when he's drunk!"
Don't count on it

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,..."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it... I'm the groom."
The things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over:

- Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
- Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.
- I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
- Is it true that people become cops because they didnít get a job at McDonalds?
- I pay your salary.
- Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.
- I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.

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