Always laugh when you can... Laughter is the best medicine!
Desert Island Jokes
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Women's Day Jokes
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young MBA fresh out of MIT: "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The candidate said: "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The HR Person said: "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said: "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"
And the HR Person said: "Certainly... but you started it."
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy a ticket and watch as the three engineers only buy one ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.
They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a rest room and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Tickets, please!" The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants see this and agree it is a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station, they buy one ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.
When they board the train all three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Tickets, please!"
A business owner decides to take a tour around his business and see how things are going. He goes down to the shipping docks and sees a young man leaning against the wall doing nothing. The owner walks up to the young man and says: "Son, how much do you make a day?" The guy replies: "150 dollars!"
The owner pulls out his wallet, gives him $150, and tells him to get out and never come back.
A few minutes later, the shipping clerk asks the owner: "Have you seen that UPS driver?? I asked him to wait here for me!"
Three men are sitting (wrapped in towels) in the sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping sound. Tim presses his forearm and the beeping stops. The others look at him questioningly.
"That's my pager, " he says. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rings. Max lifts his palm to his ear. When he finishes he explains: "That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
Dave, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna. in a few minutes he returns with a piece of toilet paper emerging from his butt. The others raise their eyebrows. Invoking the best poker face he can muster, he explains: "I'm getting a Fax."
Signs Your Company is Planning a Layoff
- CEO frequently overheard mumbling, "Eeny, meeny, miney, moe."
- Windows XP shutdown screen reads, "It is Now Safe to Start Looking for Work."
- Company softball team downsized to chess team.
- Company president now driving a Hyundai.
- Giant yard sale in front of corporate headquarters.
Quiz for Managers
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are qualified to be a "manager". The questions are not that difficult.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door.
This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Wrong Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.
This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all the animals attend except one. Which animal doesn't attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator.
This tests your memory.
OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting!
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Andersen Consulting World wide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many pre-schoolers got several correct answers. Andersen Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most management consultants have the brains of a four year old.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn't be one of those people who immediately quit their jobs. I'd make my boss's life a living hell for a week or two first.
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