🐄 Animal Jokes

A tourist is in Spain, and goes to a fancy restaurant for dinner. As he looks around, he notices a diner being served a beautifully garnished dish with two gigantic meatballs in the middle. When the waiter asks him for his order, the man asks him about the meatball dish. The waiter explains that the meatballs are bull's testicles, and when the bull loses the bullfight, the bull is brought to the restaurant, and this beautiful dish is made.

The diner tells the waiter that he wants the bulls testicles for dinner, but the waiter tells him that only one bull a day is brought to the restaurant, but he can have it tommorrow. The diner agrees. The next day the diner goes to the restaurant, and orders the testicle dish.

When his food is brought out, he notices that the meatballs are extremely small. He mentions this to the waiter, and the waiter replies: "Well sir you have to understand, sometimes the bull wins".

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked: "What are you up to there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died", replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned: "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied: "That's because he's inside your fucking cat."

The sky was dark, the moon was high,

we were alone, just she and I.

Her hair was brown, her eyes were too.

I knew just what she wanted to do.

So with my courage I did my best,

and placed my hand upon her breast.

I trembled and shook and felt her heart,

slowly she spread her legs apart.

I knew she was ready, but I didn't know how.

It was my first try at milking a cow.

There are two cows in a field.

One says to the other: "So what do you think of mad cow disease?"

The other replies: "I don't know, I'm a chicken!"

A woman kept finding mystery packages on her doorstep - crackers, sunflower seeds, a little brass bell. She blamed her husband. He blamed her. So they set up a camera in the kitchen.

Sure enough, at two in the afternoon, the parrot leaned out of his cage and said: "Alexa, order more crackers."

"That's it," said the husband. "We're changing the wake word."

The parrot thought about this for a moment, then said: "Alexa... cancel the vet appointment."

A farmer noticed his cat disappearing every evening, so he clipped a GPS tracker to its collar. After a week, he opened the app and called his wife over.

"Good news and bad news. The good news is, the cat's not lost."

"And the bad news?"

"According to the map, we're his third house - and the only one that hasn't upgraded to the good tuna."

A man bought his wife a fitness tracker for her birthday. Every evening it showed 18,000 steps, and every evening she was on the couch watching her shows.

Finally he checked the tracker. It was clipped to the dog's collar.

"That's cheating!" he said.

"Tell that to Rex," she replied. "He's lost five pounds and he's leading my office step challenge. We don't ask questions during a winning season."

A man marched back into the pet store with a cage under his arm.

"You told me this parrot would repeat everything it hears!"

"That's right," said the clerk.

"He hasn't said a single word in two weeks!"

The clerk thought for a moment. "Where do you keep him?"

"In my teenager's room."

"Sir, the parrot works fine. Nobody has spoken out loud in that room since 2023."

A Scarborough man buys a parrot that refuses to speak. For weeks he tries English, French, even whistling the national anthem. Nothing.

Then his baba visits and opens a jar of homemade ajvar. The parrot immediately shrieks, "Finally! Someone in this house who can cook!"

Turns out the bird wasn't unable to talk. He was waiting until there was something worth saying.

An owl enrolled in night classes at the community college. The instructor asked why a bird famous for wisdom needed more education.

"Look," said the owl, "for two hundred years, everyone has been coming to me asking 'Who? Who?' It's about time I had some answers."

A sign outside a Mississauga house reads: TALKING DOG, FREE.

The dog tells a visitor his life story: ten years at Pearson Airport sniffing out undeclared sausages and cheese, two commendations, a quiet retirement.

Amazed, the visitor asks the owner why he would give away such an incredible animal.

"Because he's a snitch," the owner says. "Every time my relatives fly in from Macedonia, he reports the suitcase."

Two bears in Algonquin Park are prepping for winter. One announces he is done with caves. "This year, I'm wintering like the humans."

In February, his friend finds him in a Tim Hortons parking lot: engine running, seat warmer on, double-double in the cup holder, fast asleep since Christmas.

"I thought you gave up hibernating."

"This is hibernating," the bear mumbles. "I just added a drive-thru."

Scientists have finally explained how forty million Canadians stay so polite. It turns out niceness, like anything else, produces waste, and all of the country's rudeness has to go somewhere.

It goes into the geese.

The Canada goose is not a bird. It is a federal containment program with wings, and it is very much at capacity.