🎣 Fishing Jokes

Two guys were on lake fishing, using worms. One of the guys gets a nibble and reels in his line. He caught a bottle. He uncorks the bottle and out come a genie. He grants him one wish, so the guy thinks and thinks. Finnaly he said: "I wish this whole lake were beer!" Poof!!! The lake turns to beer. The other guy looks at him and said: "You idiot, now we have to pee in the boat!"

A guy rings his boss and says: "I can't come to work today!"

The boss asks why and the guy says: "It's my eyes."

"What's wrong with your eyes?" asks the boss.

"I just can't see myself coming to work, so I'm going fishing instead..."

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend and the phone rings. She picks up the receiver, and her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation...

"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called." she says speaking in a cheery voice. "Really? That's wonderful... I am so happy for you... that sounds terrific... Great!... Thanks... Okay... Bye..."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks: "Who was that?"

"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

A man was stopped by a game warden in Ontario recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man: "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

The man replied to the game warden: "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take them home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said: "Here, I'll show you. It really works."

"O.K. I've GOT to see this!" the game warden replied.

The man poured the fish in to the water and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said: "Well?"

"Well, what?" the man asked.

"When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted.

"Call who back?" the man asked.

"The FISH."

"What fish?" the man asked.

A businessman of multinational company from Sweden was having a morning stroll on the beach at Kovalam, near Trivandrum, Kerala, India. He was enjoying a free morning from the Business Strategy seminar being held in the luxury hotel.

As he walked along he came across a fisherman lazing on the warm sand between two large fishes and he stopped to chat with him. He asked him what he was doing on the beach. The guy said he was waiting for customers to come to the beach in a couple of hours to buy his fishes, for which he would get $5 profit.

The businessman, a little surprised at this intelligent man wasting his time lying on the beach, asked him why he did not go out and catch more fish before the customers arrived. The fisherman queried him as to what he would do with more fish.

He said that he would get more money if he sold more fish. The fisherman appeared confused and asked what he would do with more money.

The smart man explained that he could buy a small boat, go out to sea and catch more fish. The confusion of the fisherman appeared to grow. He asked what he would do with even more fish.

He told the fisherman that he could catch more fish and make more money. In fact, he could become a rich man. The fisherman was quite taken aback. He asked them what he would do with all the money he got.

The Swede was quick to tell him that he could form a multinational company, get others to do his work while he relaxed on the beach, enjoying the sun and the sand. The fisherman looked at them incredulously. He asked them a simple question - "What am I doing here just now?"

Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman: "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?"

"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"

"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."

"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy."

"Why's that?"

"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. That's what she'd like for supper tonight."

Two men were fishing together and relaxing on the bank of a beautiful river. Mike was regressing back into his childhood and he turned to Sam and said: "Hey Sam, have you ever realized any of your childhood dreams?"

Sam thought for a moment and said: "Yeah, Mike... I sure have... My mother used to brush my hair when I was young and I thought to myself - I wish I didn't have any.

Two morons rent a boat and go fishing. They catch a lot of fish and return to the shore.

1st moron: "I hope you remember the spot where we caught all those fish."

2nd moron: "Yes, I made an 'X' on the side of the boat to mark the spot."

1st moron: "You idiot! How do you know we'll get the same boat?"

"Do you really believe your husband when he tells you he goes fishing every weekend?" asked Jane's best friend.

"Why shouldn't I?" said Jane.

"Well, maybe he is having an affair?"

"No way" said Jane "he never returns with any fish..."

"What's the biggest fish you ever caught?"

"That would be the one that measured fourteen inches...."

"That's not so big!"

"Between the eyes?"

"Five hundred dollars for a fish finder?!" his wife said. "Did it at least work?"

"It worked perfectly. It found fish all day long."

"So where are they?"

"Still in the lake. But look - before, when I caught nothing, I could tell myself there were no fish down there. Now I have sonar proof that they saw the lure and just weren't interested. Five hundred dollars, and what I bought was confirmation that it's personal."

Two buddies were fishing off the dock when one caught a perch about the size of a granola bar. He spent the next ten minutes photographing it.

"Fifteen pictures of that little thing?"

"Portrait mode, my friend. Blurs the background, adds three inches. By the time it's on Facebook, this perch is a pike."

A man called in sick Friday morning, then went out and won the regional fishing derby. Saturday, his photo was on the front page of the local paper, holding a twelve-pound walleye.

Monday, his boss slapped the newspaper on his desk. "You told me you were too sick to work!"

"I was! Look at that picture - does that look like a man who could sit in an office? I could barely lift that walleye. And I was running a fever the whole time. Imagine what I'd have caught healthy."

"Admit it," his wife said. "You love fishing more than you love me."

Her husband put down his tackle box and took her hands. "Sweetheart, that's not true. You mean more to me than fishing. I promise."

She smiled.

"...Open-water fishing," he added. "Let's leave ice fishing out of this."

Q: Why do fishermen never buy measuring tapes?
A: Because their arms already come in three standard sizes: "small," "pretty decent," and "you should have seen the one that got away."

Dedo took his grandson ice fishing on Lake Simcoe. "In Macedonia," the boy said, "you fished Lake Ohrid in sunshine, with mountains all around. Why do we sit in a frozen hut drilling holes in the ice?"

Dedo sipped his Tim Hortons and said, "Because your baba is at home, and the hut has a lock on the inside."

Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will spend forty thousand dollars on a boat, six hundred on rods, two hundred on a licence, four weekends on the water, and then stop at the market on the way home to buy a fish.

My uncle says he practices catch and release. This is true. Every Saturday he catches nothing, and every Sunday he releases a new version of the story in which he almost did. The fish in that story is now four years old and, by his own measurements, roughly the size of a canoe.

My wife asked why I get up at five in the morning to go fishing. I told her the truth: it is the only activity on Earth where a man can stand in the cold for six hours, say nothing, catch nothing, accomplish nothing, and still walk back into the house feeling like a hero. She said, "You do that on the couch." I said, "Yes, but the couch has witnesses."