🎃 Halloween Jokes

A little kid walks into a city bus for a Halloween night and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling: "If my dad was a ghost and my mom a ghost, I'd be a little ghost."

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with: "If my dad was an dracula and my mom a dracula, I would be a little dracula."

The kid goes on with a devil, witch, demon... until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid: "What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!"

The kid smiles and says: "I would be a bus driver!"

A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.

When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"I'm the Devil!" she responded.

"Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister!"

"This Halloween I'd like to be dirty and bizarre."

"That's easy. Just be yourself!"

At the office Halloween party, prizes went to a vampire, a zombie bride, and a werewolf. But everyone agreed the scariest costume belonged to the intern: he came dressed as a Wi-Fi icon with one bar.

Grown adults couldn't look at him. Two people checked their phones and went home early. By the end of the night, the office router had unplugged itself.

On Halloween night, a woman opened her door to find a boy in a golf shirt, khaki shorts, and white socks pulled all the way up.

"And what are you supposed to be, young man?"

"I'm a dad."

"That's not scary."

The boy looked her dead in the eye. "We have candy at home."

She screamed and gave him the whole bowl.

Two ghosts floated through the cemetery, comparing notes.

"Haunting is finished, I tell you. Last night I gave that family everything - slammed doors, flickering lights, whispered their names at 3 a.m."

"And? Did they flee the house?"

"They left a one-star review for the smart-home speaker, rebooted the router, and went back to sleep."

A kid held out his bag, received a single tiny chocolate bar, and inspected it under his flashlight.

"Ma'am, this says 'fun size.'"

"That's right, dear."

"Whose fun?"

She had no answer. He marked the house on his trick-or-treat map and moved on, muttering: "Great decorations. Portions have gone downhill. Two stars."

A zombie applied for an office job. The interviewer asked, "Where do you see yourself in five years?"

The zombie shrugged. "About the same. Maybe minus an arm."

He got the position. Two weeks later he was promoted to middle management, because nobody in the building noticed any difference.

The kids on our street figured it out years ago: skip the houses handing out fun-size chocolate and go straight to Baba's. She does not believe in fun-size anything. You knock once and leave with a full bag of candy, two apples, a slice of banica wrapped in foil, and firm instructions to wear a hat because it is cold out. Nobody argues. The banica is worth the hat.

A ghost in Toronto finally saved up enough ectoplasm to haunt a detached house. His agent shook his head. "In this market? Best I can do is a one-bedroom condo. You'd be sharing with two other spirits, and there's a poltergeist in the parking garage who technically has squatter's rights."

The ghost sighed. "Fine. What about the century home on the listing?"

"Bidding war. Lost to a demon with no conditions."

A vampire applied for a mortgage and the bank turned him down. "Sir, your income has been stable for six hundred years, which we appreciate. The problem is the amortization schedule. We can't approve a loan you plan to repay 'eventually.'"

The vampire bared his fangs. "I am immortal."

"Exactly," said the banker. "You have no incentive to ever make a final payment. Honestly, sir, you'd fit right in here. Have you considered a career in banking?"

Q: Why don't skeletons go trick-or-treating in Canada?
A: Because by the end of October the wind cuts right through them. No meat on their bones, no jacket, and worst of all, no baba at the door insisting they take a scarf.