🩺 Medical Jokes

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said: "Doc, tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

A businessman returns from the far east. After a few days he notices stange growth on his penis.

He sees several doctors. They all say: "You've been screwing around in the Far East, very common there, no cure. We'll have to cut it off."

The man panics, but figures if it is common in the East they must know how to cure it. So he goes back and sees a doctor in Thailand.

The doctor examines him and says: "You've been fooling around in my country. This is a very common problem here. Did you see any other doctors?"

The man replies: "Yes, a few in the USA."

The doctor says: "I bet they told you it had to be cut off."

The man answers, "Yes!"

The doctor smiles, nods: "That is not correct. It will fall off by itself."

Bob suffers severe pain every time he tries to sit down, so he goes to see the doctor.

"Undress and bend over," says the doctor.

The doctor crouches down and, after a brief examination, says, "You have hemorrhoids."

"Is that all?" says Bob. "Why couldn't you say that to my face?"

A man marched into the doctor's office. "Doctor, I checked my symptoms online. It's either a rare tropical parasite or too much coffee."

The doctor examined him thoroughly. "It's too much coffee."

"Hmm," the man frowned, pulling out his phone. "Let me get a second opinion."

"From whom?"

"From the same website. Sometimes it changes its answer."

An old man had his first video appointment with his doctor.

"Stick out your tongue and say ahh," said the doctor.

The old man pressed his tongue flat against the camera lens.

The doctor sighed. "Sir, that's really not necessary—"

"Don't complain, doctor. For the next part of the checkup, you should be very glad this isn't in person."

A man's smartwatch automatically called an ambulance after detecting a heart rate of 190.

The paramedics burst into the living room and found him perfectly healthy, sitting on the couch.

"Sir, your watch reported cardiac distress!"

"I'm fine, boys. Macedonia was taking a penalty in the 94th minute."

The paramedic glanced at his own wrist: "Say no more. During that game, mine called my mother."

"Impressive," said the doctor, reviewing the file. "Your health app shows ten thousand steps a day."

"That's right," said Milan proudly.

His wife leaned in from the next chair: "Milan. Show the doctor where the phone lives."

Milan sighed and pointed at the dog.

My Canadian doctor spent ten years in medical school and has never heard of promaja, the deadly Macedonian crossbreeze.

Two open windows in one house? Fatal. Wet hair near a fan? Reckless endangerment.

Baba has survived war, migration, and forty Toronto winters, but she will sprint across a room to close a window before the draft claims another victim. Ask any baba: every illness on Earth begins with a draft, and every cure begins with tea.

I typed my symptoms into the internet, which diagnosed me with seven fatal diseases before lunch.

My doctor typed the same symptoms into her computer, looked up, and diagnosed me with "reading the internet."

She prescribed rest and a hobby. I looked up the hobby. The internet says it can be fatal too.

My doctor's waiting room has magazines from 2014. I have read every one, because I've been a patient since 2019 and the average wait is ninety minutes.

At this point I don't have a family doctor. I have a book club with a blood pressure cuff. Next month we're discussing a celebrity wedding that has since produced two divorces and a podcast.

My doctor told me to cut back on salt, fat, and stress. I reported this to baba.

She fed me burek and reminded me that doctors once said tomatoes were poison. I asked which doctors. She said, "The same ones."

You cannot argue with a woman whose cholesterol is a rumour and who has outlived three of her own physicians. I had a second slice. For my stress.

My doctor referred me to a specialist. The appointment is in fourteen months.

"What if it's serious?" I asked.

"Then you'll find out in fourteen months."

The good news is that it's free. The other good news is that I've already forgotten which knee it was, so when the day finally comes, it'll be a surprise for both of us.