🗳️ Political Jokes

Feudalism: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.

Communism: You have two cows. You must take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

Canadanism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt-equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred through an intermediary to a US company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

"My uncle ran for the Parliament last month!"

"Really? What does he do now?"

"Nothing. He got elected."

A member of the Canadian Parliament, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, exploded one day in mid-session and began to shout, "Half of this Parliament is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!" All the other members of the Parliament demanded that the angry member withdraw his statement, or be removed from the remainder of the session.

After a long pause, the angry member acquiesced. "OK," he said, "I withdraw what I said. Half of this Parliament is NOT made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"

An Israeli doctor says: "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 6 weeks."

A German doctor says: "That is nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 4 weeks.

A Russian doctor says: "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in 2 weeks."

The Macedonian doctor, not to be outdone, says: "You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brain, put him in the government for eight years, and now half the country is trying to immigrate"

A politician sat down with an AI chatbot to write his campaign speech.

"Make me promise everything," he typed, "but commit to nothing."

The chatbot replied: "I'm sorry. The free plan includes only three empty promises per month. For unlimited empty promises, you'll need to upgrade to Politician Pro."

A journalist confronted the mayor: "Four years ago you promised a new hospital, a new bridge, and a new school. Where are they?"

The mayor calmly opened his laptop and showed a folder labeled "Kept Promises."

"It's empty!" cried the journalist.

"Exactly," beamed the mayor. "That's what we call transparency."

For the big election debate, the TV station installed a new AI fact-checker that beeped every time a candidate said something untrue.

The moderator asked the first question.

The engineers later confirmed the machine wasn't broken — it had simply switched to one continuous tone to save electricity.

A man called city hall: "I reported the giant pothole on my street three years ago. When will it be fixed?"

"Sir, wonderful news! Your case has just been upgraded."

"Fixed?"

"Reclassified. It is now officially a pond. You'll want the Department of Tourism."

A politician visited a village back home and promised to build a bridge.

"But we have no river," said the mayor.

"No problem," said the politician. "We'll build the river too, right after the election."

Twenty years later, there is still no river and no bridge. But there is a plaque commemorating the announcement, and it cost more than both.

Q: Why do politicians make excellent swimmers?
A: Years of practice diving into new projects, floating proposals, wading through committees, and drowning out questions.

Q: Then why do they never get wet?
A: Because at the first sign of actual water, they discover the whole thing was the previous administration's pool.

A young politician asked a veteran for career advice.

"It's simple," said the old man. "Before the election, promise everything. After the election, explain that circumstances have changed."

"But what if the voters remember?"

"My boy, if voters remembered, neither of us would have a career. The entire system runs on the national memory being exactly four years long, minus one week."

My dedo has voted in every Canadian election since 1972, and he researches the candidates the same way every time: he waits to see which one promises the least.

"Back home," he says, "the ones who promised us the moon took even the streetlights. Give me a politician who promises nothing. At least he might accidentally deliver it."

A town council spent its entire annual budget on a statue honouring fiscal responsibility.

When residents complained, the mayor defended the decision: "This statue will remind future generations about the dangers of wasteful spending."

A journalist asked what the statue was made of.

"Bronze," said the mayor. "The gold one is at my cottage."