🪆 Russia Jokes

A New Russian comes into a car dealership and asks for a silver Mercedes CLA250. The confused seller asks him:

- Excuse me, sir, but didn't you buy exactly same car three days ago?

- I sure did, - reports the New Russian, - But in that one the ashtray is filled up already!!!

A New Russian's son approaches a gorgeous lady in a lobby of five-star Metropol hotel.

- Mind a stroll? - he volunteers.

- Well, I bet your car ain't a Volvo, - she replies.

- Nope, it is not, - he confides.

- And you do not own even an average size bank, - she continues.

- Nope, - he admits again.

- And you don't have a three-storey house in Old Arbat, - she concludes. He agrees again.

- Then get lost, miser! The lady leaves, and the chap stands in distressed puzzlement.

- I can trade my Porsche Panamera for a Volvo, - he muses to himself, - and I can split my financial trust into a chain of average-size banks, but I obviously can't talk my father into demolishing the top three floors of our Old Arbat residence...

An New Russian meets an old Russian. The old Russian asks:

- How are you these days, Vasya?

- Well, life sux, - the NR replies, - I'm so tired of the Bahamas, and of those French restaurants, and those thousand-dollar-a-night whores... Really wears me up... Wha'bout you, old buddy?

- Imagine, I haven't been eating anything for three days already, - the old Russian says in a weak voice.

- Well, man, - says the New Russian, - I've had this sort of problem. You have to force yourself!

- Where did you get money to buy MERCEDES?

- I sold my FORD, added little bit money and bought it.

- Where did you get money to buy FORD?

- I sold my LADA, added little bit money and bought it.

- Where did you get money to buy LADA?

- I already have been in prison for that.

American style of risk:

Racing in cars. One out of ten cars has a bad engine.

Risk - a la France:

Unprotected sex with a group of women. One out of ten women in the group has AIDS.

Russian style:

Telling political joke to a group of 7-8 people, one of whom is an informer.

Question to Radio Yerevan: "Is it true that artificial intelligence has finally arrived in our country?"

Radio Yerevan answers: "In principle, yes. It arrived, examined the paperwork required to exist, and is now standing in line for the permit."

A man stood in line for six hours. When he finally reached the window, the clerk announced proudly: "Comrade, good news! This was the line to register for the new app that lets you queue from home!"

"Marvelous! And where do I get the app?"

"In the second line."

The store director proudly announced: "Comrades, our store has been fully modernized! We now have self-checkout!"

An old woman raised her hand: "But the shelves are empty. What do we check out?"

"Ourselves, comrade. And quickly, please — others are waiting."

Question to Radio Yerevan: "Is it true that in the West, people keep their savings in cryptocurrency?"

Radio Yerevan answers: "In principle, yes. And we salute them, for they have finally discovered our banking system: the money officially exists, but no one can withdraw it."

Radio Yerevan was asked: "Is it true that the new five-year plan will be completed in only four years?"

Radio Yerevan answered: "In principle, yes. It was completed on paper during the first week.

The remaining three years and fifty-one weeks are for finding the paper."

A man joins an enormous queue outside a Moscow shop. "What are they selling?" he asks the woman ahead of him.

"Nobody knows," she says.

"Then why are you standing here?"

"With a line this long, whatever it is, there won't be enough. And I refuse to miss out on a shortage this popular."

In the old days, my dedo says, the weather report was the only honest program on television, and even then only by accident.

One winter the announcer promised a week of sunshine, and it snowed for eight days straight. He was promoted immediately.

"A man who can stay so loyal to the plan," said the ministry, "in the face of so much evidence, is wasted on weather."

Radio Yerevan was asked: "Is it true that this year's harvest broke all records?"

Radio Yerevan answered: "In principle, yes. But it was not the harvest, it was the paperwork about the harvest; the record was not for size, it was for weight; and it did not break records. It broke the shelf in the ministry archive."

Two old men are sitting on a bench in Skopje.

"Under the old system," says the first, "we had money, but the shops were empty."

"And now the shops are full," says the second, "and we have no money."

The first one nods. "Perfect balance. The economists finally achieved it. Not once, under either system, have we been in danger of actually buying anything."