⚽ Sport Jokes

A soccer coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said: "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."

The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks: "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?"

The player thought for a moment and then he answered: "I think... no... yes... I’m not sure... what about 4?"

"Did you say 4?" the smiled coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right.

At that, all the other players on the team began screaming: "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

"Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room was very quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

"Yes?" asked the instructor.

"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

A loving couple was celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary, privately, at home with a couple of bottles of champagne. A bit tipsy and feeling very intimate the husband turns to his wife and asks, "Tell me truthfully, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

"Well," she replied, "since you ask, to tell you the truth I have been unfaithful on three occasions."

"What? How could you?"

"Let me tell you about it," she said. "The first time was back when we were first married. You needed open heart surgery and we didn't have the money, so I went to bed with the surgeon and got him to operate for free."

"Gee! That was noble of you. And, besides, I guess I should be grateful. But, tell me, what about the second time?"

"Do you remember that you wanted the position of the, and they were going to pass you over for someone else? Well, I went to bed with the President and the Vice President and they gave you the job."

"Hell, I think I could have done it on my own. But, then again, I guess I should be grateful. And so, what about the third time?"

"Do you remember two years ago when you wanted to become President of the Baseball Team, and you were missing 53 votes...?"

A guy walks into a Leafs bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing a Leafs' jersey and helmet.

The bartender says: "Hey! No pets are allowed in here! You'll have to leave!"

The guy begs him: "Look, I'm desperate. We're both big fans, the TV is broken, and this is the only place around where we can see the game!"

After securing a promise that the dog will behave, and warning him that he and the dog will be thrown out if there's any trouble, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game.

The big game begins and Phil Kessel scores a great goal.

With that the dog jumps up on the bar, and begins walking up and down the bar giving high-fives to everyone.

The bartender says: "Wow, that is the most amazing thing I've ever seen! What does the dog do if Leafs win?"

The owner replies: "I don't know, I've only had him for a half year."

A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat: "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed. "Strike One!" he yelled.

Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he missed again. "Strike Two!" he cried.

The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"

Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike Three!"

"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!"

"I hear your league replaced the referee with an AI system. How is it working out?"

"Terrible. Every time someone scores, it stops the game and asks if we accept cookies."

Two friends meet at the café.

"My new fitness watch says I did twenty thousand steps yesterday!"

"Twenty thousand? You never left the couch!"

"The dog also has legs."

At halftime of the championship game, the coach gave a fiery ten-minute speech over the team's video call. The players stormed back onto the ice and played the best period of their season.

After the game, the captain came up to him quietly.

"Coach... you were on mute the whole time. We just assumed you believed in us."

A Leafs fan finds a magic lamp, and the genie offers him two wishes.

"First, I'd like a million dollars."

"Done. And your second wish?"

"I want to see the Leafs win the Stanley Cup."

The genie is quiet for a long moment.

"...Would you like another million?"

My dedo watched his first Grey Cup game with me. By the fourth quarter he threw up his hands. "They stop every five seconds! Back home, football is ninety minutes of running and maybe one goal."

I said, "Dedo, here that sport is called soccer."

He said, "No. Here it is called soccer. Everywhere else it is called correct."

My gym called to ask why I haven't been in for six months. I told them I've been training at home.

"Training what, sir?"

"Restraint. I have walked past the cookies eleven times this week without stopping. You people only make me lift things. I am out here resisting things. Show me the machine for that."

I told my coworker I finished a marathon over the weekend. He was very impressed, right up until my wife clarified that it was a television marathon.

In my defense, it was twenty-six episodes, I hit a wall around episode twenty, I pushed through the pain, and I cried at the finish line. The couch and I trained for months for that.

When I signed my son up for hockey, the league sent me the equipment list and the fee schedule. I called my father for sympathy.

"Tata, hockey costs three thousand dollars a season."

He was quiet for a moment. Then he said, "Back home we played soccer with one ball for the whole village, and the ball was older than the goalkeeper. But fine. This is why I shoveled snow in Toronto for thirty years — so my grandson could pay to fall down on some."

My doctor recommended golf as a low-stress sport.

Six months in, I have thrown a putter into a pond, learned to mutter in three languages, and my scorecard is the only fiction I've written since high school.

On the bright side, my blood pressure is excellent. It's my playing partners who need the doctor now.