🍀 St. Patrick's Day Jokes

The Doctor was puzzled "I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble, Paddy. I think it must be drink."

"Don't worry about it Dr. Kelley, I'll come back when you're sober."

A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, "What's your name and address?"

"I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address!"

The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question.

"I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy!"

Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV host Anne Diamond when he used the word 'manyana'. Diamond asked him to explain what it meant.

He said that the term means "maybe the job will be done tomorrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next month, or next year. Who cares?"

The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish.

"No. In Ireland we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency.", replied Brennan.

It was Paddy and Seamus giving the motorcycle a ride on a brisk autumn day. After a wee bit, Paddy who was sitt'n behind Seamus on the bike began to holler: "Seamus... Seamus... the wind is cutt'n me chest out!"

"Well, Paddy my lad," said Seamus, "why don't you take your jacket off and turn it from front to back? That'll block the wind for you."

So Paddy took Seamus' advice and turned his jacket from front to back and got back on the bike and the two of them were off down the road again. After a bit, Seamus turned to talk to Paddy and was horrified to see that Paddy was not there. Seamus immediately turned the bike around and retraced their route. When after a short time he came to a turn and saw a bunch of farmers standing around Paddy who was sitting on the ground.

"Oh, is he alright?" Seamus hailed to the farmers.

"Well," said one of the farmers, "he was alright when we found him here, but since we turned his head back to front... he hasn't said a word since!"

A ventriloquist is telling Irish jokes in a pub, when an irate Irishman stands up: "You're making' out we're all dumb and stupid. I oughtta punch you in the nose."

"I'm sorry sir, I..."

"Not you," says the Irishman, "I'm talking to that little fella on your knee."

"Hey," said a new arrival in the pub, "I've got some great Irish jokes."

"Before you start," said the big bloke in the corner, ", I'm Irish."

"Don't worry," said the newcomer, "I'll tell the jokes slowly."

An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden. The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "Don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!!!"

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns. Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.

His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes, now!"

Recently, Germany conducted some scientific exploration involving their best scientists. Core drilling samples of earth were taken to a depth of 50m and during the core examinations, small pieces of copper were discovered. After running many arduous tests on these samples, the German government announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.

Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. So they ordered their own scientists to take their core samples at a depth of 100m. From these samples, they found small pieces of glass and soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide optical fibre network.

Irish scientists were outraged. So immediately after this announcement, they ordered their scientist to take samples at a depth of 200m but found absolutely nothing. They concluded that the ancient Irish 55,000 h years ago were an even more advanced civilisation, as they already had a mobile telephone network in place.

Liam had left Dublin to go up to Belfast for a bit of skydiving. Late Sunday evening he was found in tree by a farmer.

"What happened?" asked the farmer. Liam replied that his parachute failed to open.

"Well," said the farmer, "if you had of asked the locals before you jumped, they would have told you nothing opens here on a Sunday."

Paddy's new car came with a talking GPS.

"In two hundred meters, turn left," it said.

"I'll turn where I please," said Paddy. "I've lived here forty years, and no dashboard is going to tell me my business."

"Recalculating," sighed the GPS.

"That's the spirit," said Paddy. "Never admit you were wrong."

Murphy's pub installed a smart speaker.

"Alexa," said Seamus, "pour me a pint!"

Nothing happened.

"ALEXA! A pint!"

Murphy leaned over the bar: "Seamus, you're talking to the smoke detector."

"Ah," said Seamus. "That explains why she only answers when I light me pipe."

For St. Patrick's Day, the O'Brien family held their reunion over Zoom — Dublin, Boston, Toronto and Sydney, all on one call.

It was just like the old days: everyone talked at once, nobody listened, Aunt Maeve left without saying goodbye, and Grandpa froze in the corner.

Seamus showed Paddy an app on his phone. "It delivers beer straight to your door in thirty minutes. A miracle of technology!"

"Thirty minutes?" said Paddy. "The pub is two minutes down the road!"

"Aye," said Seamus. "But the pub won't deliver to the bath."

On March 17th my Irish coworker announced, "Today, everyone is Irish!"

My dedo raised his glass and said, "Fine. But on your wedding day, everyone is Macedonian. That is how the oro works. You will dance in the circle whether you know the steps or not."

Sean got married in June. As far as anyone can tell, he is still in the circle.

A man walks into a Toronto pub on St. Patrick's Day and orders a green beer. The bartender slides it over and says, "Twelve dollars."

"Twelve dollars? Yesterday this beer was six!"

The bartender shrugs. "Yesterday it wasn't wearing a costume."

I found a four-leaf clover in my backyard in March. In Toronto. Under the snow.

I don't think that's luck. I think it's a warning. Nothing in this city is green in March unless it is up to something.

I put it back and apologized. My baba says you don't accept gifts from strangers, and I have never met anything stranger than a Toronto lawn in March.

St. Patrick famously drove the snakes out of Ireland, and for that he got a feast day, parades, and a color.

My baba once drove a garter snake out of her garden in Scarborough — along with two raccoons and a door-to-door salesman — using only one slipper and the element of surprise.

She has no feast day yet. But every March, I'm told, the raccoons observe a moment of silence.

My five-year-old watched the St. Patrick's Day parade and asked why everyone was wearing green.

"So the leprechauns can't see you," I told her. "Green makes you invisible to them."

She thought about it for a while and asked, "Then how does anyone find the parade?"

I have been staring at the wall since Tuesday.