🛃 Terrorism Jokes

Two guys, a taliban soldier and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish" says the Genie.

The taliban said: "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state."

With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' - there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

"Uncle Sam" (a former civil engineer), asks: "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains: "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out."

Uncle Sam says: "Fill it with water."

Obama got a coded message from Iran. It read: 370HSSV-0773H.

Obama was stumped and sent for the CIA. The CIA was stumped too, so it went to the NSA. The NSA couldn't solve it either, so they asked Bill Clinton. He suggested turning it upside down!

Osama Bin Laden phoned President Bush and said: "Mr. President, I called you because I had this incredible dream last night. I could see all of America, and it was beautiful, and on top of every building, there was a beautiful banner."

Bush asked angrily: "And what was on the banner?"

Osama responded: "It said Allah is God, and God is Allah."

Bush said: "You know, Binny, I'm really glad you called, because last night I had a dream too. I could see all of Kabul, and it was even more beautiful than before the Russian occupation. It had been completely rebuilt, and on every building there was also a beautiful banner."

Bin Laden said: "What was on the banner?"

Bush replied: "I really don't know. I don't read Hebrew."

WARNING: Don't go to the bathroom on May 28th. CIA intelligence reports that a major plot is planned for that day. Anyone who goes #2 on the 28th will be bitten on the ass by an alligator. Reports indicate that organized groups of alligators are planning to rise up into unsuspecting American's toilet bowls and bite them when they are doing their dirty business.

I usually don't write jokes like this, but I got this information from a reliable source. It came from a friend of a friend whose cousin is dating this girl whose brother knows this guy whose wife knows this lady whose husband buys hotdogs from this guy who knows a shoeshine guy who shines the shoes of a mailroom worker who has a friend who's drug dealer sells drugs to another mailroom worker who works in the CIA building. He apparently overheard two guys talking in the bathroom about alligators and came to the conclusion that we are going to be attacked.

Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?

You only have to teach them to take off.

At Toronto airport security, the officer lifted a large jar out of Baba Zora's carry-on.

"Ma'am, no liquids over 100 millilitres."

"Ajvar is not a liquid, young man. It is a spread."

The officer consulted his supervisor. The supervisor consulted the manual. The manual had nothing to say about ajvar. They confiscated it "for testing."

Baba Zora nodded: "Test it with warm bread. Otherwise the results are invalid."

The security officer recited: "Laptops out. Liquids out. Belts off. Shoes off. Jackets off."

A traveler asked: "Anything else?"

"Dignity in a separate bin, sir. You'll get everything back on the other side."

"Even the dignity?"

"Everything except the dignity."

The airport introduced a premium Fast Lane through security. Dimitri paid the extra thirty dollars, walked proudly to the front — and found four hundred people already there.

"Excuse me," he asked the officer, "where is the regular line?"

"There isn't one, sir. Nobody has used it in years."

"So the Fast Lane is..."

"The line. Yes."

At the security check, an officer pulled a bottle from Trajko's bag.

"What is this, sir?"

"Holy water. From the monastery."

The officer opened it and sniffed. "This is rakija!"

Trajko looked up to heaven: "Glory be! A miracle already!"

Security asked me, "Did you pack this bag yourself?"

I laughed. This man has clearly never had a Macedonian mother. Nobody in my family has packed their own bag since 1987. The suitcase contained four sweaters I never agreed to, a kilo of walnuts, and a framed photo of a relative I've never met, to be delivered to another relative I've also never met.

I said, "No, but the person who did loves me very much and does not respect airline weight limits."

I asked the security officer why we still take our shoes off at the airport.

"Standard procedure, sir."

Behind me, my baba was already barefoot, holding her shoes and nodding with deep approval. "Finally," she announced to the entire line, "an airport that respects a clean floor." Then she asked the officer where the slippers were kept for guests, because a checkpoint without house slippers is no way to run a country.

Baba's burek went through the X-ray machine three times. Two officers stared at the screen, then called a supervisor.

"Ma'am, what exactly is in this?"
"Cheese."
"It's showing seventeen distinct layers."
"Yes. Cheese, done correctly."

They swabbed it, scanned it once more, and waved us through. As we walked away, I heard one officer whisper, "I'm not saying it's a threat. I'm saying my mother has never made anything with seventeen layers."

I have been "randomly selected" for additional screening on nine flights in a row.

At this point it is not random, it is a subscription. I never signed up, I cannot cancel, and the only perk is a complimentary pat-down.

Last time, the officer recognized me. "Back again?" he said. Sir, at minimum I should have a punch card. Ten searches and the eleventh one is free.