🗽 USA Jokes

Presidents Ford, Reagan, Carter, Nixon and Clinton were on the Titanic. On that fateful night the ship hit an iceberg and began to sink.

Ford screamed, "What should we do?"

Reagan said, "Man the lifeboats."

Carter said, "Women first."

Nixon said, "Screw the women."

Clinton said, "Do you think we have time?"

An American travelling abroad was accosted by someone unimpressed with her homeland: "You Americans killed off the natives of your country, you stole half of Mexico, you pillaged the rest of the world, and now I've heard you want to take over half of Canada if Quebec splits away from that country! Have you no shame at all? Haven't you made enough of a mess already?"

The American quickly shook her head and said, "No, no, no, you've got it all wrong. Are you joking - with our terrible health care system, with our education system in disarray, with our entire social fabric torn apart, we aren't looking for new territory. We're just waiting for Ontario to annex us!"

IF you think that "European" refers to London, Paris, and Montreal... OR all of your hats and T-shirts have logoes on them... OR you own more sneakers than any other kinds of shoes... OR if you think ketchup is a spice.

Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity

Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

North Carolina: Tobacco Is a Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family ... Really!

1. You decide that your relationship with your partner is over. How do you break the news that you are leaving?

(a) Leave a tearful note on the table and slip away quietly.

(b) Calmly discuss the reasons for your decision with your partner.

(c) Attack them with a chair in front of a rabble of cheering pumped-up inbreeds on national television.

2. You and your mates decide to have a game of football in the park. What do you need to bring?

(a) A ball.

(b) A ball and 2 coats.

(c) A ball, 50 crash helmets, 4 tons of body armour, 20 cheerleaders, a marching sousaphone band with a grand piano on a trolley, and a team of orthopaedic surgeons specialising in spinal injuries.

3. What do you have for breakfast?

(a) A bowl of Cornflakes, slice of toast and a mug of tea.

(b) Glass of orange juice, croissant and a cup of coffee.

(c) A bag of donuts with ice cream, a 32 ounce steak with six eggs sunny side-up, fifteen pancakes with maple syrup, ten waffles, five corn dogs and a diet root beer.

4. You and your partner decide to take the plunge and get married. What sort of ceremony do you have?

(a) A quiet party with a few friends in a registry office.

(b) A church service followed by a traditional reception at a hotel.

(c) A minute long mockery at a 24 hour drive-through chapel in Las Vegas, presided over by a transvestite vicar dressed as Elvis.

Answers:

If you answered:

- mostly (a)'s & (b)'s then you are a normal well-balanced individual;

- mostly (c)'s then do the world a favour and shoot yourself with the anti-tank weapon you carry in the glove-box of your pick-up truck.

America is the best half-educated country in the world.

What do you call someone who speaks three languages?

"Multilingual"

What do you call someone who speaks two languages?

"Bilingual"

What do you call someone who speaks one language?

"An American"

An American tourist in Skopje asked his guide: "How far is the fortress?"

"About one kilometer."

"And in real distance?"

"About ten minutes."

"In REAL distance?"

"Two Starbucks and a McDonald's."

"Oh! Practically next door."

An American was visiting his cousin in Macedonia. After dinner at a restaurant, he left a twenty-five percent tip.

The waiter chased them for two blocks: "Sir! Sir! You forgot your money!"

The American explained how tipping works back home. The waiter listened very carefully.

"I see. So in America, the price on the menu is the starting bid?"

A tourist at an American diner asked the waitress: "What's the difference between the small soda and the large soda?"

"The small is one liter."

"And the large?"

"The large comes with a lifeguard."

An American tourist in Vienna spoke into his translation app: "Translate into European: Where is the train station?"

The app replied: "Europe has over forty languages. Please select one."

"Don't worry about it," said the tourist. "Just show me how to say it louder."

My cousin from Ohio called in January to ask about the weather in Toronto.

"Minus twenty," I said.
He gasped. "That's brutal!"
"Relax, that's Celsius. In Fahrenheit it's only minus four."

There was a long pause. Then he said, "You know your country has a problem when you describe the weather using whichever number sounds less like a distress call."

You can always tell exactly where the border is.

I stepped on a man's foot in Buffalo and he said, "Watch it, buddy!"

I stepped on a man's foot in Mississauga and he apologized to me, then to my shoe, then formally apologized to his own foot for being in the way.

We still exchange holiday cards.

My American friend discovered that Canadians buy milk in bags, and he has not recovered.

"A bag? What if it tips over?"
"You put it in a pitcher."
"Why not just sell it in a pitcher?"
"Then what would we do with all the pitchers?"

He went home the next day. Some friendships simply cannot survive dairy.

In Buffalo I ordered a small soda and they handed me a bucket with a straw in it.

"This is a small?"
The cashier nodded. "The medium comes with a handle."

I'm not saying American portions are generous, but my baba saw a bag of chips marked "family size" and asked which family — because back home, a bag like that caters a christening.

Q: Why has the United States never invaded Canada?

A: They came close once, but the scouts reported back: "Sir, they apologized for the border being hard to find, they salted the roads for our convoy, and they gave the entire battalion directions to the nearest Tim Hortons. We cannot fight these people. Half the men are already engaged to locals."