💘 Valentine's Day Jokes

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it-only to find a book entitled: "The meaning of dreams".

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetie for Valentine's Day. As they had not been dating very long, it was very difficult decision. After careful consideration he decided a good gift would be a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his sister, he went to the store and bought the gloves. His sister purchased a pair of panties at the same time.

The clerk carefully wrapped both items but in the process got them mixed up. The sister was handed the gloves and the young man got the panties. The young man mailed his Valentine's Day gift with the following note:

"This special Valentines Day gift was chosen because I noticed you are in the habit of not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister, I would have chosen the ones with buttons, but she prefers short ones that are much easier to remove.

"These are a lovely shade, the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and they looked quite lovely.

I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time; no doubt, other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow on them lightly before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I'll be kissing them in the future. I hope you'll wear them Friday night for me.

Love, Cuddle Bear

p.s. The sales lady says the latest style is to wear them folded down with just a little fur showing.

I just love to do special things for my wife on Valentine's day. Like open the door for her when she puts all the laundry in the washing machine, or plug and unplug the vacuum as she moves from room to room cleaning.

Guys, it's these little thoughtful things you can do to have a marriage such as mine.

Honey, on this Valentine’s Day, I want to tell you something... I'm not rich like Jack, I don't have a mansion like Russell, or I don't have a Porsche like Martin, but I do love you and want to marry you.

Oh, dear... I love you too... but, what was that you said about Martin?

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

The man says: "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed: 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer." the man replies.

The most effective way to remember to buy something to your wife for St. Valentine’s Day is... to forget it once!

“YOU ARE MY ONE AND ONLY”...

...valentine cards, now on sale: 4 for $5.

Cabbage always has a heart, green beans string along.

You're such a Tomato, will you Peas to me belong?

You've been the Apple of my eye, you know how much I care;

So Lettuce get together, we'd make a perfect Pear.

Now, something's sure to Turnip, to prove you can't be Beet;

So, if you Carrot all for me, let's let our tulips meet.

Don't Squash my hopes and dreams now, bee my Honey, dear;

Or tears will fill Potato's eyes, while Sweet Corn lends an ear.

I'll Cauliflower shop and say, our dreams are Parsley mine.

I'll work and share my Celery, so be my VALENTINE.

At the office, where I worked, there was an angel there.

Her hair was long and flowing, and her skin was soft and fair.

I wanted so, to ask her out, but I was way too shy.

I thought she was too beautiful, for me to even try.

A few times I approached her, she just smiled and walked away.

I could not get the courage up, and "Hi" was all I'd say.

Then, I had an idea, I would get her home address,

And send a VALENTINE to her, and with it I'd express.

I poured my heart out in the card, and ask her to be mine,

And then I dropped it in the mail, my special VALENTINE.

In just a few short days, I had a response in my mail,

A card with her return address, I started feeling pale.

I opened up my eyes to see, a card shaped like a heart,

And in the center, someone drew, a bloody piercing dart.

I opened up the card to see, if writing was inside,

And when I started reading it, I damn near almost died.

I'd love to be your VALENTINE, but I think I will pass,

My husband says he'll be at work, to kick your stupid ass.

I'm glad you like my body, and you think it's really fine,

My husband says this card is going, where the sun don't shine.

In your card, you said there's things to me you'd love to do,

I think my husband's going to do, all of those things to you.

So, have a Happy VALENTINES, I'll see you Monday morn,

My husband says on Tuesday, you'll wish you were never born.

Goran had an AI chatbot write his Valentine's letter to Elena.

Elena had an AI chatbot write her reply.

The letters were magnificent — full of moonlight, poetry and longing. The romance is going beautifully.

Goran and Elena have never actually spoken. But their chatbots are engaged.

Zoran ordered Valentine's roses online with same-day delivery. Unfortunately, the app autofilled the delivery address... from three girlfriends ago.

The card read: "To the only woman I have ever loved."

The app then suggested: "Send this item to a different address?"

At the candlelit Valentine's dinner, Mile raised his glass for a toast. Just then his phone lit up on the table:

"REMINDER: Valentine's Day — act romantic."

His wife read it upside down and sighed. "It's all right, dear. Mine says 'act surprised.'"

Sign in the flower shop window on February 15th:

"APOLOGY BOUQUETS — NOW 50% MORE EXPENSIVE. YOU ARE NOT IN A POSITION TO NEGOTIATE."

I asked the florist why roses triple in price on February 14th.

She pointed at the line behind me: forty men, all still in their work clothes, all checking their watches, all buying the same dozen red roses.

"That's not a markup," she said. "That's an emergency service fee."

I asked my dedo the secret to fifty years of marriage.

"Every Valentine's Day, I take your baba somewhere romantic. Candles, music, a little dancing."

"That's beautiful, dedo. Where are you taking her this year?"

He sighed. "Same place as every year. The kitchen. She lights the candles, I do the dancing, and the music is her telling me I dance like my father."

Valentine's cards have gotten very specific. "To my husband." "To my wife." "To my soulmate of twenty-five years."

I stood in that aisle for twenty minutes looking for one that said, "To my wife, who was right, about the thing, from this morning, which I now fully understand."

The cashier told me they can't keep that one in stock.

I called the restaurant on February 13th.

"Do you have a table for two tomorrow night?"
The host laughed for a full minute, then composed himself. "Sir, we have a waiting list for the waiting list."
"What do you have?"
"Tuesday the 19th. 4:45 p.m."

So my wife and I now celebrate Valentine's Day on the 19th at 4:45, like two people in a witness protection program for romance.

My wife said, "Don't get me anything for Valentine's Day this year."

Rookies, listen carefully: this is not an instruction. It is a test, and it has a one hundred percent failure rate for those who obey it.

I have been married nineteen years. I bought flowers, chocolates, and a card. When she said, "I told you not to get me anything," I saw the smile.

That smile is why we are at nineteen.