Marketing Explained

You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room, AND:
1. You go up to her and say: "Hi, I'm great in bed, how about it?" (That's Direct Marketing)
2. You give your friend a buck. She goes up and says: "Hi, my friend over there is great in bed, how about it?" (That's Advertising)
3. You somehow get her mobile number. You call and chat her up a while and then say: "Hi, I am great in bed, how about it?" (That's Tele-Marketing)
4. You recognize her. You walk up to her, refresh her memory and get her to laugh and giggle and then suggest: "Hi, I am great in bed, how about it?" (That's Customer Relationship Management)
5. You stand straight, you talk soft and smooth, you open the door for the ladies, you smile like a dream, you set an aura around you playing the Mr. Gentleman and then you move up to the girl and say: "Hi, I am great in bed, how about it?" (That's Hard Selling)
6. SHE comes over and says: "Hi, I hear you're great in bed, how about it?" (Now THAT is the power of Branding).
If you try to please everyone

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some people that remarked: "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They then decided they both would walk!
Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.
Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story? In Marketing, if you try to please everyone, you might as well...
Kiss your ass good-bye.
An interoffice soccer

An interoffice soccer game was held every year between the Marketing Department and support staff of one company.
The day for the game came, and hard as the Marketers tried, the support staff whipped the Marketing Department soundly.
In their best tradition, the Marketing Department decided to find the best 'spin' they could on the dismal result. They showed how they earn their keep by posting this memo on the bulletin board after the game:
"The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for the recently-completed Soccer Season, we came in 2nd place, having lost but one game all year.
The Support Department, however, had a rather dismal season, as they won only one game all year."
Let's ship it

A software manager, a hardware manager, and a marketing manager are driving to a meeting when a tire blows. They get out of the car and look at the problem.
The software manager says: "I can't do anything about this - it's a hardware problem."
The hardware manager says: "Maybe if we turned the car off and on again, it would fix itself."
The marketing manager says: "Hey, 75% of it is working - let's ship it!"
A glass

The Optimist says:
"The glass is half full."
The Pessimist says:
"The glass is half empty."
The Marketing Consultant says:
"Your glass needs re-sizing."
A boat race

The Marketing Departments of two rival American and Japanese companies decided to hold a boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance levels until both teams felt they were ready to demonstrate their prowess.
The big day arrived, and the Japanese won by a mile. The American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so they hired a consultant to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action.
The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering. After a year of additional study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough people were rowing on the American team.
So as race day neared again the following year, the American team's management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers, and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.
Again the big day dawned, the race began, and the Japanese team won by TWO miles. Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.
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