🐣 Easter Jokes

A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.

A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?"

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.

Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!

The man was astonished. He said to the woman: "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

This week's special is our interview with Easter Bunny:

Barney's Web (BW): Thanks for talking to us.

Easter Bunny (EB): No problem. Do you mind if I eat while we talk? (takes out a packet of small green pellets) I've been in a rush recently.

BW: Go right ahead. We've some questions here.

EB: Ready when you are.

BW: "Is there just one Easter Bunny? Moreover, has the same Easter Bunny been the Easter Bunny for the last couple of millennia?"

EB: The fact of the matter is that there are quite a few Easter Bunnies, and we've never made a secret about that. Unlike the Santa Claus operation, which works under the improbable assumption that one guy delivers all those presents...

BW: Are you saying that Santa is a sham?

EB: I didn't say that. I never said that. What I am saying is that *we* don't work under the same sort of constraints. I mean, think about it. One bunny delivering baskets to several hundred million homes across the planet? The friction from the atmosphere alone would turn the poor guy into a bunny briquette. There'd be hideous charcoal smudges all over the baskets. "Easter Bunny" is a job description, not a proper name.

BW: So why are you THE Easter Bunny?

EB: Because I'm boss. You're not an Easter Bunny until I say you are.

BW: How does one become an Easter Bunny?

EB: Well, it's not just hopping down the bunny trail, I'll tell you. First, for reasons already explained, you have to be a bunny. After that, we have a psychological evaluation and a battery of physical tests you have to pass. We can't afford to have an Easter Bunny cramp up at the beginning of his run. But there are several occupational hazards of being the Easter Bunny. Large dogs are always a problem, of course: one moment you're delivering a basket of goodies, the next, a Rottweiler named Pinochet is on you like a meat-filled sock. Nervous homeowners with guns wing a couple of bunnies a year, as do edgy cops and private security guards. We don't even bother trying to deliver to the children of militia members anymore; first they'll plug you for being on their land, then they'll make you into jerky and a pair of gloves. But you know what our number one problem is?

BW: What?

EB: Sliding glass doors. Sometimes we'll just forget they're there. Man, that's embarrassing.

Twas the day before Easter and all through the woods,

The bunnies were busy packing their goods.

The eggs were all colored so pretty and bright,

All things were "go" for the big, special night.

The baskets were waiting, all decorated with care,

In hopes that the Bunny soon would be there.

My little brother Sam was asleep in his bed,

While visions of Easter eggs rolled round his head.

And I in my pajamas with the cat on my lap,

I had just settled down for a quick little nap.

When outside the window I heard a great noise,

I sprang from my chair and jumped over some toys.

As quick as a flash to the window I flew,

I pulled up the shade and, OH, what a view.

The moon on the meadow cast a bright golden glow

And the wind blew the flowers to and then fro.

Then all of a sudden from out of nowhere,

Came some lively bunnies, hopping here, hopping there!

Leading the group with ears long and funny

Was a plump, all-white rabbit... That's right, the EASTER BUNNY

Every Easter, the whole family plays the egg-tapping game, and every Easter, Dedo wins. Nobody's egg has ever survived his.

This year, little Marko went looking for the champion egg after lunch - and found Dedo at the sink, quietly washing a smooth red stone.

"Dedo! It's a rock! You painted a rock!"

Dedo dried it calmly and put it in his pocket. "Marko. Twenty years, undefeated. You think that was faith alone?"

"But that's cheating!"

"Cheating?" Dedo shook his head. "That's not cheating. That's geology."

This year the Easter Bunny finally joined a delivery app, and the kids tracked their baskets all morning.

"Your order is three stops away."

"Your courier, E. Bunny, is arriving now."

Then came the last update: "Delivered - your order has been left in a safe place."

Dad put down his coffee and sighed. "'A safe place.' Wonderful. We'll find the last egg in August, behind the couch, the hard way."

At the midnight Easter service, the priest raised the candle and proclaimed: "Christ is risen!"

"Indeed He is risen!" the congregation answered.

The priest turned to bless little Marko, half-asleep on his mother's shoulder. "Christ is risen, young man!"

Marko, eyes still closed: "Thanks. You too."

For Lent, Maria gave up chocolate - all forty days, not one square.

On Easter morning, her husband thought it would be fun to hide her chocolate eggs around the house. Thirty eggs, his best hiding spots ever: inside the piano, behind the encyclopedia, in his winter boots.

She found all thirty in under five minutes.

"How is that possible?!"

"Sweetheart," she said, unwrapping the first one, "I've thought about nothing else for forty days. Right now I could find chocolate through a concrete wall. Blindfolded. In the neighbour's house."