🎩 The Law of Sotir — Сотир Закон

Sotir walked into a pharmacy owned by two sisters. One of them greeted him with a polite smile:

"How can I help you, sir?"

Sotir glanced quickly left and right, and once he'd established there was nobody else in the room, he gathered the courage to state his problem:

"You see, the thing is, lately I've been dealing with an overwhelming sexual capacity. Even ten times a day isn't enough for me. It's becoming a real problem, because I can't think about anything else. And on top of that, there's the unusually powerful erection. I'm terribly embarrassed to be telling you all this, but I had to come see you. What could you give me for this?"

The pharmacist listened carefully, then said:

"Allow me, sir, to consult with my sister, and together we'll decide what we can give you. I'm confident we'll come up with something you'll be satisfied with."

She went into the back room, and a minute or two later came back out to Sotir:

"So, sir, I've just spoken with my sister, and we've decided we can give you $55 an hour and a $5,000 signing bonus!"

One weekend, Sotir decided to go fishing. He didn't have much luck, but after two or three hours of waiting, he managed to catch a goldfish. And naturally, like any self-respecting goldfish, this one offered to grant Sotir one wish in exchange for its freedom. Without much thought, Sotir told the fish:

"Lately I've developed a fear of flying, and of boats too. So please build me a bridge from Canada to Europe, so I can drive my car all the way home to my Macedonia!"

The fish replied:

"Hmm... Look, Sotir, that's just not possible. We're talking about an enormous distance, tremendous depths — I really can't pull that off. I'm not all-powerful, you know. Come on, please, pick another wish!"

Sotir thought it over for a moment and said:

"Well, fine... Then make my Menka Miss Canada!"

"Now that's no problem at all!" said the fish, and asked for a photo so she could see Menka. Sotir pulled a photo out of his wallet, and the fish stared at it for a long time, sank deep into thought, started shaking her head left and right, and finally asked Sotir:

"Okay, Sotir, look... That bridge to Europe — did you want two lanes or four?"

One evening, watching television, Sotir jumped up and turned to Menka:

"Menka sweetheart, I'm feeling a bit off — I need some fresh air. I'm going out for a walk down to the mall; I'll be back in ten, fifteen minutes!"

And Menka:

"Oh Sotir... As if I don't know you. As if I'd believe you!"

Sotir went, of course, straight to the nearest bar and ordered a beer. While he was drinking it, a girl came up to him — plunging neckline, short tight skirt — and in a soft, gentle voice said:

"Don't hold it against me for approaching you like this when we've never met, but I wanted to ask if you might show me around the city. I'm new here, so I'm sure you know how that feels...!"

Sotir knocked back the rest of his beer, winked at his new acquaintance, and after a short drive through the streets of Toronto, they ended up in a motel room.

A few hours later, Sotir came home, and before walking in, he took a piece of chalk out of his pocket and rubbed it all over his palms.

Menka, still awake, met him with fury in her voice:

"Well, let's hear it — what lie have you cooked up this time?"

"Oh, Menka sweetheart... The most incredible thing happened! I went, of course, to the nearest bar and ordered a beer. While I was drinking it, this girl comes up to me — plunging neckline, tight little miniskirt — and asks me to show her around the city... New in town, supposedly! And after a short drive, we ended up in a motel room!"

And Menka:

"Oh, stop talking nonsense, Sotir, and show me your palms!"

Sotir showed her, and Menka exploded:

"Oh Sotir, you've been BOWLING again... How long is this going to go on!?"

One weekend at Niagara Falls, the main attraction for the crowds of tourists was people jumping off the falls themselves. Brave souls were hard to come by, so the tourists kept looking for ways to convince anyone who was on the fence about taking the plunge.

They started working on an American, and nothing helped until somebody thought to tell him the TV cameras were rolling. At that, the American jumped without a second thought.

Then they went to work on a Frenchman. Among other things, they told him about the TV cameras too, but even that didn't help. Finally somebody figured out exactly what kind of bait a Frenchman would take, and told him:

"Jumping is all the fashion now!"

The moment the Frenchman heard that, he hurled himself over the falls.

But then it was our Sotir's turn. The tourists pleaded with him, promised him money and all kinds of prizes if he'd jump, but nothing worked. They tried the proven methods too — informed him about the TV cameras, and about jumping being in fashion — but Sotir told them he couldn't care less about television or fashion. At long last they found Sotir's weak spot: one of the tourists, having figured out that Sotir was Macedonian, shouted:

"Jumping is FORBIDDEN here!"

To which Sotir shot back:

"What do you mean, forbidden!? Forbidden by WHO? Forbidden to WHO???"

And he finally hurled himself into the wild waters of Niagara.

One evening Sotir went out on the town and met a blonde tourist from Europe in a bar. Sotir treated his new "friend" to a drink, then took her to the CN Tower, walked her through the streets of Toronto, strolled with her along the lake, and finally they rented a room in a motel. Sotir decided to show himself in his true light, and after her first scream he asked:

"Are you finish?"

The European woman, her voice trembling, gave only a short answer: "No!"

Sotir couldn't let her leave with bad memories, so with even greater effort he set out to demonstrate his skills. When, after a while, he once again felt the trembling and heard a scream, the same question followed:

"Are you finish?"

And once again, a short answer from the beautiful European: "No!"

By now Sotir was starting to panic, but he refused to abandon his mission. This time he summoned superhuman effort, and when the moment came, utterly exhausted, he asked:

"Are you finish?"

The European looked at him with a gentle smile, stroked his cheek, and answered:

"Nooo... I'm Swedish!"

At 5 a.m., the phone rings at the hotel's front desk.

"Hello, reception!"

"Yes, go ahead!"

"My name is Sotir, and I'd like to ask whether the hotel's night bar will be opening any time soon!"

"No, I'm sorry... It's far too early for it to open!"

Half an hour later, the phone rings again.

"It's Sotir calling again. Will the night bar be opening soon?"

"I'm sorry, Mr. Sotir, but that won't be happening any time soon. You'll have to be a little more patient!"

And again, half an hour later, Sotir calls:

"Hello, reception... Is that night bar finally going to open?"

This time the receptionist answered, thoroughly annoyed:

"NO! The night bar doesn't open until the evening, and until then there is absolutely no way you're getting into that bar!"

And Sotir:

"Please, forgive me... but I'm not asking so I can get IN. I'm asking so I can get OUT!!!"

One evening Sotir, disappointed with life, went to a bar in Brampton. He ordered one drink after another, draining them at record speed, until finally, when he raised his hand to the bartender for another round, the man came over and said:

"Excuse me, sir, but you're going to have to leave. You won't be served any more drinks!"

"But why, man? Come on, one more... why are you being like that?"

"This is not up for discussion. Leave the bar immediately!"

Sotir stumbled out, weaved left and right down the street, and by pure chance found himself in front of the very same bar. He walks in and orders a drink from the doorway.

"Sir, I told you — no more drinks for you tonight. Look at the state of you!?"

Sotir left again, but sure enough, ten minutes later there he was at the door:

"Bartender, come on, pour me something to drink!"

"Sir, you are stone drunk. For the last time: no more drinks for you tonight!"

Sotir grabbed his head with both hands and yelled at the bartender:

"For God's sake, man... how many bars do you WORK at???"

Sotir and his buddy Spase realized that on an ordinary paycheck a man can't afford life's little luxuries, so they decided to go into business for themselves. They thought long and hard about what could bring in good money in a short time, and the choice fell on opening a brothel. Well now — a month or two in, our new private businessmen were being asked by their friends how business was going. Among others, Spiro asked Sotir:

"So, Sotir... Is this thing going to work out? Is business trending up?"

"Ohhh, it's going brilliantly. We're pleasantly surprised how many clients came pouring in right from the start. We're up to our necks in work. We're working day AND night."

"You don't say!? And how many girls did you hire for the place?"

"Well, look, here's the thing... That's coming soon too... But until the business takes off and we're standing, as they say, on solid legs, Spase and I decided to do all the work OURSELVES!"

A few years after Sotir's arrival in Canada, our hero decided to visit his loved ones back in Macedonia. On the way back from Skopje, about fifteen minutes after takeoff, the captain addressed the passengers over the intercom:

"Dear passengers, this is your captain speaking. Welcome aboard flight 778, regular service from Skopje to Budapest. We are currently flying at an altitude of 2,800 meters. The outside temperature is minus 15 degrees Celsius. Weather conditions are excellent and winds are moderate, so we can expect a calm and pleasant flight. I hope that... OH MY GOD!!!"

At that moment, dead silence fell over the plane. After about half a minute of suspense, the captain's voice came back on:

"My sincerest apologies if I frightened you, dear passengers, but while I was speaking, the flight attendant brought me my coffee, tripped, and spilled the scalding coffee all over me. You can just imagine what the FRONT of my trousers looks like!"

At that, Sotir bellowed:

"Easy for you, captain... Come back here and see what the BACK of mine looks like!"

Ever since he was a little boy, Sotir had dreamed of owning a real pair of cowboy boots. One day he spotted a pair in a shop window — exactly the kind he had always imagined.

He decided to buy them, walked out of the store wearing his new cowboy boots, and, thrilled and proud of himself, headed home. He walks through the door and immediately asks Menka:

"Notice anything different about me, sweetheart?"

Menka looks him over and answers flatly:

"No!"

Annoyed, Sotir goes into the bedroom, strips down to his birthday suit, keeping on nothing but the new cowboy boots, and puts the same question to Menka one more time:

"Come on now, darling, take another look at me... Notice any change?"

Menka looks at him again, shakes her head left and right, and says:

"Nothing! What change? Your 'pistol' was hanging down before, and it's hanging down now!"

Furious, Sotir starts shouting:

"IT IS NOT HANGING DOWN... IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!"

Menka grabs her head with both hands and shrieks at Sotir:

"GOOD LORD, SOTIR! QUICK, GO BUY YOURSELF A HAT!!!"

Every night Sotir would go out drinking and come home very late. And poor Menka always waited up for him. But then one night Sotir comes home — and Menka's not there. Panic seized him, and he sat down to wait. Sure enough, Menka comes home at four in the morning. Sotir leaps up and asks her:

"Where on earth have you been!?"

"Relax, Sotir, I'm just getting back from a course!"

"A course!? What kind of course, Menka? A course at THIS hour!? And that 'course' of yours... it wouldn't happen to be the tail end of 'intercourse,' would it? A little camouflage?"

"No, Sotir, it's not camouflage... but the 's' on the end — THAT one's for the plural!"

At one of the Macedonian picnics organized this summer, Sotir, beside himself with excitement, walked up to a man who was leaning against his car.

"Kiro! Kiro, you old devil! Don't tell me you've come to Canada too! Oh, Kiro... back in Skopje you drove around in that little Peglica, and here I see you've got yourself a Chevy, eh? Changed your lifestyle, I see. And your dress style too, I see you've changed."

The bewildered man tried, without success, to interrupt Sotir:

"But sir...!"

"What do you mean, 'sir,' Kiro???" Sotir went on, slapping the man on the shoulder the whole time. "And what was that you said? 'Sir'? Kiro, back in Macedonia you used to call me 'peasant,' and here it's 'sir'! But Kiro... I have to tell you, the new haircut suits you much better. On the other hand, you've really let that belly go. Oh, Kiro, Kiro. You've totally changed. I barely recognized you, that's how much you've changed!"

"But sir, I am not Kiro. My name is Blagoja!"

"Oh Kiro, my poor Kiro... You even changed your NAME!!!"

Sotir and Menka are celebrating their wedding anniversary. They're sitting in the dining room that morning, and Sotir says to Menka:

"Menka dear, I was just thinking about something. We've been married 25 years, right?"

"Yes, my love!"

"25 years we've been sitting at this same table together. Do you remember how wonderful it was when we were young and used to have breakfast naked?"

"Hold on! Slow down! What are you getting at? Don't tell me you want us to strip down?"

"Well, what's the harm, Menka dear? Let it stir up a few memories!"

So they both undressed and carried on with breakfast, when after a while Menka, with a trembling voice and a seductive look, remarked:

"Do you know what I'm feeling, darling? My breasts are burning just like they did when we were young."

"Well of course they're burning, Menka!? Take a look — your left one's in the coffee and your right one's in the scrambled eggs!"

Sotir went to the dentist and asked a question right from the doorway:

"How much do you charge for pulling a tooth, please?"

The dentist answers:

"Well, the price for an extraction is 75 dollars, but I trust you're covered by some kind of insurance!"

"No, I don't have dental insurance. Which is why I'd like to ask — is there any way this could be done cheaper!?"

"My apologies, but that is our rate and there are no exceptions. We have costs too, you know. The anesthetic is quite expensive, but that's why it's very effective!"

"Anesthetic!?" Sotir pondered. "And what would a tooth extraction WITHOUT anesthetic look like? Would it be cheaper then?"

"I beg your pardon!? That's excruciating pain! What do you mean, without anesthetic!?"

"Just that... How much would pulling a tooth cost without anesthetic?"

"Hm! Well, you are clearly an exceptionally brave man! In that case, I'd charge you only 25 dollars. Now, may I take a look at the state of the tooth?"

"Of course, doctor!" said Sotir, and turned toward Menka:

"Go on, honey, show the doctor the tooth that's been hurting you!"

Sotir goes to a brothel in Scarborough, and out of all the girls there, he picks a Black girl. Goes for the very best one, no less. He takes the girl to a room; she undresses and lies down on the bed. But Sotir, instead of undressing too, just steps up to her, spreads her legs, and starts studying her... first from the left, then from the right... leans in to look at her up close, then backs off a little... And after a while he says:

"OK... thank you very much, sweetheart! Tell me what I owe you, and I'll be on my way!"

The girl asks, confused:

"You mean you're not going to do anything with me!? Don't you like me?"

"Oh no, it's not that... I'm renovating the bathrooms at home, and I just wanted to see how pink grout looks on black tiles!"

Sotir is coming back from the lake with a bag full of fish. The game warden caught him, and...

"Fishing out of season, are we?"

"No, no, these are my pets... you know, little house pets. Every day I take them down to the lake, let them out for a swim, and afterwards they come back to me all on their own and I take them home. Same thing every day!"

"Don't play games with me. Whoever heard of tame fish?!"

"Well, let me release them and you'll see. Want to see for yourself?"

"Go ahead! Though I don't know why, I've got a feeling you're trying to make a fool of me."

Sotir released the fish into the lake, and they sat down to wait for them to come back. After half an hour of waiting, the warden asked:

"Well?"

"Well what?"

"Well, where are your fish?"

"What fish?"

Sotir went to a bank in downtown Toronto and struck up a conversation with the loan officer:

"Look, I need a $5,000 loan. I have to go to Macedonia, and you know how it is... presents, this, that...!"

The officer replies:

"No problem, sir, but you know how these things work. We'll need some kind of collateral before we can give you the money."

Sotir agreed and handed the officer the keys to the brand-new luxury van worth $60,000 that was parked right in front of the bank. The bank staff checked everything that needed checking and concluded it was all in order. Sotir got the money he had asked for.

The bank manager and all the staff had a good long laugh at Sotir's expense — the man had left a $60,000 vehicle for a mere $5,000 in cash. Then one of the bank employees drove Sotir's van down into the bank's garage.

Two weeks later, Sotir comes back from Macedonia, repays the money — even pays the interest, all $17.09 of it — and gets back the keys to his van. The bank manager says to Sotir:

"Thank you very much for doing business with us. This transaction went very smoothly too. There's just one thing that strikes us as odd. In the meantime, we ran a full check on you and saw that you have plenty of money in your account. What was your motive for paying interest when you already had money of your own? We're a little confused and surprised by that."

Sotir smiled and said to the manager:

"Well, do YOU have a better idea where I can park my car in downtown Toronto for two whole weeks for only $17.09?"

Sotir was strolling through Toronto, lost in thought, when suddenly, out of nowhere, an unfamiliar voice called out to him:

"STOP!"

Bewildered, Sotir froze on the spot — and right in front of him a flowerpot crashed down and shattered on the sidewalk. Sotir looked around to see who it was that had just saved his head, but there was nobody anywhere near him. He walked on, mulling over what had just happened to him. And the moment he stepped out to cross the street, the same voice shouted at him again:

"STOP!"

Sotir stopped again, and right in front of him a car tore past at tremendous speed. Once again Sotir saw there was nobody beside him, so he decided to ask:

"All right then, who are you, saving my life twice like this?"

"Why, I'm your guardian angel!" the same voice replied.

"Then why can't I see you?"

"Ah, that's because I'm very tiny. Smaller than a millimeter, even!"

"Could you land on my palm so I can see you?" asked Sotir, stretching out his hand. The guardian angel flew down and answered:

"Sure... here I am! Can you see me?"

Instead of answering, Sotir slammed his other hand down onto his palm with all his might, roaring with rage as he did:

"And where the hell were you, you little son of a gun, when I was marrying Menka???"

Driving along the Gardiner, Sotir was pulled over by the police for who knows which time. The officer addressed him:

"Sir, you were weaving down the road rather strangely. Are you drunk?"

"Yes, officer... 'drunk' doesn't begin to cover it — I'm soaked through like a sponge!"

"We're going to have to do a breathalyzer test now, so please blow into this."

"Why should I blow into anything? You don't believe I'm drunk!?"

"I believe you, sir, but we have to establish the percentage of alcohol in your blood. But let me ask you something else... Are you aware that by driving in your condition, you're endangering not only your own life, but the lives of everyone else on the road? Including the lady beside you?"

"That's not 'the lady' — that's Menka."

"Fine, Menka it is... So tell me, does Menka have a driver's license?"

"She does!"

"Then why didn't you let Menka drive, seeing as you're this drunk?"

"WHAT??? Let MENKA drive??? Officer, I may be drunk, but I'm not an idiot!"

Sotir lost his job and decided to try his hand at panhandling. One day a businessman walked past and tossed Sotir a fifty-dollar bill. And from then on, every single day, the businessman tossed him another bill just like it. Then one day, walking past Sotir, the businessman dropped only two dollars. Sotir didn't react, but when several days in a row brought only two dollars each, Sotir decided to ask:

"Say, friend, can you tell me why you've started giving me only two dollars? Did I offend you somehow? Did I do something wrong?"

"No, no... it's just that I have a lot of expenses at the moment... I'm building a new house!"

Sotir snapped back indignantly:

"A new house, eh? Well, good for you! Found yourself a house to build on MY back, did you???"

Sotir went looking for work in Brampton and managed to land a job at Canadian Tire. On his very first day, Sotir set a record: $150,000 in sales. The manager couldn't believe it and asked him how he'd pulled it off:

"Well, it went like this. A guy came in to buy a fishhook, and while I was at it, I sold him a few sinkers too.

Then I reminded him he'd want quality line and a rod that could handle the big fish. And since he was buying such top-of-the-line gear, I suggested he give some thought to a motorboat. Once he'd agreed on the boat, I explained that his old car would never be able to tow it, so I sold him a Jeep. And that's how I did $150,000 in sales."

"I honestly still don't get it, Sotir, how you managed all that — the man only came in to buy one simple fishhook."

"No, no, boss — he actually came in to buy pads for his wife, so I asked him why not go fishing, since his weekend was shot anyway!"

One day Sotir showed up late for work, and his furious boss was waiting for him at the door:

"Sotir, you know perfectly well how much work we have today, and I made a special point of telling everyone that today of all days, nobody is to be late. You'd better come up with one very good reason if you want to avoid consequences for this!"

"Well boss, the story might sound unbelievable, but here's what happened... Every disaster in the book found me this morning, boss! First, my alarm clock didn't go off, but somehow I woke up on my own. Menka was supposed to drive me to the GO Train this morning. She was ready in ten minutes, but the car wouldn't start. We called a taxi, but that lunatic of a driver crashed into a parked bus. I took off running so I wouldn't be late, when a cop stopped me just because I apparently looked like some criminal the police were hunting. Luckily, the officer quickly realized I wasn't the guy, and somehow — drenched head to toe in sweat from all the running — I made it to the GO Train pretty fast. But wouldn't you know it, the train pulled out and stopped after barely a minute of moving. They announced the reason: some woman had gone into labour on the train. And that, boss, is the whole reason I'm late!"

"Sotir, Sotir... you didn't have to go to all that trouble, because I caught you in a lie right away, Sotir!"

"Why don't you believe me, boss? Which part do you think I made up? Where exactly did you catch me lying?"

"Well Sotir, there is no way on earth I'm believing that Menka was ready in ten minutes!"

One day Sotir came home from work, slammed his fist on the table, and declared to Menka:

"I am NOT stupid, Menka, whatever people are saying about me around town! I just don't have time to read the newspapers, so I can't join in when other people are having their big discussions. But I've made a decision, Menka — I'm entering 'that' world too. So starting tomorrow, I want a newspaper beside my bed every morning. The moment I wake up, my day starts with the paper."

Menka accepted the assignment without a word of protest:

"You got it, Sotir... I'll buy you a paper and bring it to you every single day!"

And Menka thought to herself: "Why waste money every day when I can bring him the very same newspaper every morning?"

So that's exactly what Menka did — every morning she brought Sotir the paper. And Sotir read, and read, and read!

At the end of the first week, Sotir concluded with great satisfaction:

"Oh Menka, Menka! And people call ME the stupid one!? What about this poor devil — some guy in Brampton crashes his motorcycle in the exact same spot every single day!!! Ha... and I'M supposed to be the stupid one!"

Sotir and Menka went to the doctor because Menka had started showing signs of depression. Menka talked with the doctor for nearly a full hour, and then the doctor said to her:

"All right, Menka, now I'd like to ask you to step out into the waiting room for a moment, so I can have a word with Sotir in private."

"Doctor, is there something you don't want to tell me?" Menka asked anxiously.

"No, no... I just need to discuss something with Sotir!"

And so they did. Menka stepped out, a bewildered Sotir walked into the office and asked:

"What's all this about, doc? Why did you call me in?"

"Well, Sotir, here's the situation... Menka is perfectly fine. Her health is excellent. I'm not even going to prescribe her any medication. The only thing that needs to happen is something YOU need to do — which is exactly why I called you in for a little talk. Sotir, you're going to have to help Menka more around the house. You need to take over a large share of the household chores. You need to give Menka much more attention. Much more love. That is all she needs!"

The doctor finished his advice, Sotir thanked him, and headed home with Menka. Menka immediately asked him:

"Sotir, is there something seriously wrong with me that the doctor wanted to hide? Please, tell me straight!"

"Menka, you're healthy as a horse! There is absolutely nothing wrong with you — but I'll tell you one thing: there's no cure for you, Menka!"

Playing poker one night, Sotir and his three friends were trading stories about their sons' successes.

"My son's business is going so well that he recently gave a friend of his a brand-new Dodge Caravan as a gift."

"My son's real estate business is booming too — he recently gave a friend of his a cottage on Wasaga Beach."

"Well, what can I tell you!? My son is doing so well in the stock market that he recently gave some friend of his shares worth 100,000 Canadian dollars."

Sotir listened to all this talk, and decided it was time to brag about his own son:

"Well, my son is gay. He works as a pole dancer in some gay bar. But he must be pretty good in bed too, because he recently received as gifts: a brand-new Dodge Caravan, a cottage on Wasaga Beach, and stocks worth 100,000 Canadian dollars."

A coworker of Sotir's kept bragging about his enormous ranch up in Northern Ontario. Oh, the ranch was this and the ranch was that — right near the highway, fertile land, close to the lakes, and on and on and on.

"Ahhh, Sotir, back in your Macedonia you could only DREAM of a ranch like that."

Annoyed, Sotir shot back:

"What do you take me for? You think I crawled out of the middle of nowhere? I had a ranch in Macedonia too, buddy. Two whole decares, no less."

"Heh heh... Sotir, do you realize that on MY ranch, if I set out by car from one end in the morning, I wouldn't reach the other end until evening?"

"Ohhh, you poor thing... I feel for you! I had a car like that too — a real rust bucket, not to say a tin can. Barely managed to sell it before I left for Canada."

Sotir and Spase went off to Cuba on vacation, just the two of them. After two weeks they came home to their little wives, and the very next day they met up to cry on each other's shoulders:

"Sotir, let me tell you — I've figured out that my wife is cheating on me... with a rooster."

"Oh come on, where did you get 'rooster' from?"

"I found a feather in the bedroom."

"Eh... that's nothing... Menka is cheating on me with a truck. Imagine — I found a truck driver in the bed!"

Sotir and Menka were playing tennis. But Menka was no great player, and she smacked the ball straight through somebody's window. They went up to the house to apologize to the owner. They walk in and see a broken window, a shattered vase, and some fellow sitting in an armchair.

"We're terribly sorry about the mess we made..."

"Not at all — I'm the one who's grateful to you. You freed me from that vase I'd been trapped in for 200 years. I am a good genie, and I will grant you three wishes — on one condition: the last wish is mine."

"No problem," says Sotir. "I want one million dollars deposited into my account every single day."

"And I want," says Menka, "a house in every part of Toronto — three storeys each, with a finished basement, a pool, two brand-new vans, and a full staff of maids in every single one."

"No problem, your wishes are granted. And now mine, if I may... I'd like a little time with your wife... you understand how it is — 200 years locked up... without a woman..."

"No problem," Sotir tells him. "You granted our wishes — go right ahead, if you want!"

The genie 'made love' to Menka for a good two or three hours, and afterwards Sotir asked him whether his wish had been fulfilled and whether he, too, was satisfied.

"You bet I am, golden boy... as long as there are still people out there who believe in genies, I will be VERY satisfied!"

Sotir woke up with a brutal hangover. When he opened his eyes, he noticed a glass of lemonade and a thermos of coffee on the nightstand beside him. He opened his eyes a little wider and saw a freshly ironed shirt and trousers laid out on the chair by the bed. Sotir got up and wandered through the house — everything was tidied up and in its place, and in the kitchen he found a little note that read:

"Sweetheart... Sotir, darling... I've gone shopping. Your breakfast is in the oven, and the newspaper is on the table."

Just then his son walked in, and the utterly baffled Sotir asked him what on earth had happened the night before.

"Well, Dad, you came home around 3 a.m., stone drunk. You tripped on the stairs and broke the vase, then you tore down the curtain, and to top it off you smacked your head on the door — that's why you've got a black eye."

"Uh-huh. So then why is everything spotless — and on top of that, your mother isn't even mad?"

"Well, when Mom dragged you into the bedroom and tried to pull your pants off, you told her: 'Paws off, kitten... I'm a married man!'"

Sotir and Menka went to the Toronto Zoo. They strolled from cage to cage, enjoying all the different animals. Eventually they reached the cage where the gorilla lived, and a crazy idea popped into Sotir's head:

"Menka, show him a little leg — let's see how he reacts."

Menka hiked her skirt up a bit, and the gorilla started going wild. Menka got carried away and hiked the skirt even higher, and the gorilla started rattling the bars with all its might. Then Menka flashed her chest — and the gorilla tore the bars apart and started chasing her.

"Sotiiiir... help me! What do I do?"

"Eh... well, tell him something in your usual style... like, say, you've got a headache!"

Sotir came home from work, sank into the armchair, and called out to Menka:

"Come on, Menka honey, bring me a beer before it starts!"

Menka sighed and brought him a beer. A few minutes later, Sotir called out again:

"Sweetheart, one more... before it starts!"

Menka shot him a sharp look and shook her head a few times, but she brought him another beer. A few minutes later, Sotir piped up again:

"Menka dear, I can feel it — it's going to start very soon. Quick, bring a beer before it starts. It could start any moment now!"

Menka, by now red in the face with rage, let Sotir have it:

"Have you no shame? Every day it's the same thing. Is this your grand plan for the entire day? Drinking beers and parking yourself in front of the TV? Shame on you!"

To this outburst from Menka, Sotir offered only one short comment:

"There... it started!"

One evening Sotir went to a bar and ordered a beer. After he drank it, he opened his briefcase, glanced inside, and said to the bartender:

"Another one, brother!"

After finishing the second beer, he opened the briefcase again, took a peek inside, and said to the bartender:

"One more, please!"

He repeated the same routine — open the briefcase, throw one glance inside, order a fresh beer — a good ten more times! And then, Sotir looked into his briefcase one more time and, to the bartender's complete surprise, exclaimed:

"THAT'S IT! I don't want to drink anymore!"

The bartender, startled by Sotir's reaction, asked:

"Why quit all of a sudden!? What is it you keep seeing in that briefcase of yours?"

"Well, I've got a photo of Menka in there — and the moment Menka starts looking attractive to me, that's my sign that I've overdone the drinking and it's time to stop!"

A congress of Macedonian Women in Canada was being held, and during the break Menka was chatting with her friends about their successes in getting their husbands to handle certain household chores. One of them boasted:

"I told my Spase it was high time he started ironing his own shirts. The first day, no reaction whatsoever. The second day, same thing. But by the third day, Spase — like it or not — ironed his own shirt. And now he does it regularly!"

Spiro's wife had a very similar experience:

"I told Spiro once that he needed to take charge of the grocery shopping. Nothing happened the first day, and nothing the second. But on the third day, Spiro went out and spent the entire afternoon shopping for the house."

At last it was Menka's turn:

"I told my Sotir once that it was high time he started helping around the house — that he should vacuum and dust regularly. The first day, no reaction. Nothing happened the second day either, nor the third. It wasn't until sometime around the fourth day that the swelling went down enough for me to see a little out of my eye!"

Sotir was strolling along Lake Ontario for the first time since his arrival in Canada. Without a word of English to his name, our hero had nothing better to do than pass the time on long walks. And so, mid-stroll, Sotir came upon a drowning man who could barely gasp out a few words from the lake:

"Help, heeeelp!!! Please help me... Pleeeease!!! Heeelp!"

Sotir reacted to those cries at lightning speed and, without giving it much thought, immediately shouted back at the drowning man:

"You sorry, useless turkey... instead of studying English, you should've studied swimming. You'd be saving your life right now!"

Sotir was driving along the QEW when the police pulled him over. The officer asks Sotir:

"Sir, why were you driving 130 km/h in a zone where the maximum speed limit is 100?"

"Are you sure you've got the right man, officer?" Sotir asked. At which point Menka jumps into the conversation and tells the officer:

"He wasn't doing 130 — it was nearly 140... I saw it myself!"

Sotir turns to Menka and snaps:

"Quiet, you miserable old goat!"

The officer then moved on to his next observation — that Sotir wasn't wearing his seatbelt. When Sotir tried to explain that he had literally just unbuckled it, Menka chimed in again:

"Don't you lie, Sotir — you've been driving like that since we left the house!"

At that, Sotir roared at the top of his lungs:

"ENOUGH, MENKAAA! Shut your trap already, you wretched woman!"

The officer asks Menka:

"Does your husband always speak to you this way?"

"No!" Menka replied. "Only when he's dead drunk... like right now!"

Sotir went to St. Clement of Ohrid church to confess.

"Father, I cheated on Menka!"

"How did that happen, Sotir?"

"Well, Father, Jovka the neighbour came over for coffee once while Menka was working the night shift, and... what can I tell you... the coffee led to a whole lot more than coffee!"

"Very well, Sotir my son, you are forgiven!"

"But Father, it didn't end there. The next day Jovka invited me over to her place, and two of her girlfriends were there, and... I was with them too, Father. I just couldn't restrain myself!"

"Good heavens, Sotir! But... fine... let that sin be forgiven as well."

"Oh, but Father... that's still not all. The sister of one of Jovka's friends called me that very same evening, and...!"

At which point the priest finally cut him off:

"Sotir, did you come to this church to confess, or to brag?"

The first job Sotir found when he came to Canada was as a lumberjack. On his first day he cut 10 cubic metres of wood, but that amount was less than anybody else's. Sotir decided to push a little harder the next day and managed to reach nearly 15 cubic metres. And once again — the least of anyone. And he was the only one working without breaks. He couldn't understand how he, a champion worker back in the day, could possibly be the weakest, so he turned to a Canadian colleague:

"Why are you better than me?"

"Well, I get up at 6 o'clock!"

"So do I — I get up at 6 too!"

"Yes, but I eat breakfast and head straight to work!"

"That's exactly what I do!"

"And the moment I get to work, I fire up the saw right away and start cutting!"

"WHAAAT!? You FIRE UP the saw? You mean these saws we've been working with are ELECTRIC!?"

Sotir was getting ready for work while Menka fluttered around him, saying:

"Sotir, just imagine, darling — I dreamt that today, when you come home from work, you're going to give me a complete J'adore cosmetics set. What could that dream mean, Sotir?"

"Hmmm... well, be patient until I get back from work, and you'll see the meaning of that dream."

That afternoon Sotir comes home, and an overjoyed Menka is waiting for him at the door. Sotir hands Menka a wrapped gift and says:

"In here, Menka, you'll find the answer to your question — what your dream meant."

Menka eagerly and hastily tears off the wrapping paper — and inside she finds a book titled 'The Dream Dictionary.'

Sotir took his mistress to a fine jewellery store and asked the salesman:

"Excuse me — do you have something exclusive to offer for the lady accompanying me?"

"Certainly!" The courteous salesman pulls a box out of the drawer and proudly opens it, informing Sotir that the ring inside costs $4,900. This immediately sets Sotir off.

"Please — it seems I wasn't clear enough. I am looking for something exclusive and unique, not cheap trinkets."

The salesman promptly opens the safe and pulls out a diamond necklace.

"This, sir, is handcrafted with first-class diamonds, and it costs 75 thousand dollars."

"Very well... I'll take it! Since it's the weekend, call my bank Monday morning, withdraw the money, and only then send the necklace to my home address."

On Monday, the salesman calls Sotir on the phone:

"You scoundrel — the bank told me you don't have a single cent in there!"

And Sotir replies:

"Look, buddy... it's true I don't have five cents to my name — but if you only knew what a weekend I had with that girl!"

When Sotir and his son first arrived in Toronto, they went to a shopping mall and were dazzled by everything they saw — but strangest of all were two silver doors in a wall that opened and closed all by themselves.

"Dad, what are these weird doors?" asked the little one.

"No clue!" answered Sotir, who was seeing an elevator for the first time in his life. Just then, an old, heavy-set woman came along, pressed one of the buttons, and within a few seconds stepped through one of those doors into the little room inside, and the door slid shut. The big surprise came a minute later, when the same door opened again and out of that very same little room stepped a young, slim, attractive girl. In a flash, Sotir thought of what Menka looked like, then of the magical powers of this wonder he had just witnessed, and yelled at his son:

"Go get your mother and bring her here THIS INSTANT! RUN!!!"

"Wooow, Spase, you are not going to believe this!"

"Believe what, Sotir?"

"Just imagine, Spase — I've been told there's some magical place in Scarborough. You can eat and drink as much as you want, then have mind-blowing sex a few times over. And at the end, on your way out, they even hand you 100 dollars as a little goodbye!"

"Oh come on, what are you talking about!? Who's ever actually been to a place like that? Who told you about it?"

"Well, Menka... my own Menka... She was there just yesterday!"