🛂 Immigration Jokes

A boy and his father (new immigrants in Canada), were visiting a shopping centre. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father:

"What is this, Dad?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded: "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful and atractive 24-year-old woman stepped out.

The father shouts to his son: "GO GET YOUR MOTHER!!!"

There was a lady who immigrated in Canada and married an Canadian gentleman. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but anyhow managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.

The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted.

The third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. So, she brought her husband to the store... because he spoke English.

There's an immigrant in Canada was talking on phone with his relative in Europe. And he was asked "I’ve very poor life here. Maybe you can help me. How do I get to the other side of the ocean?"

The immigrant in Toronto thought for a moment and answered: "But you ARE on the other side of the ocean."

Parts of the conversetion in Canadian Embassy between the Visa Oficer and an aplicant for a visa:

O: All your responses must be oral, OK?

A: OK

O: What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

After a short explaination, the conversation continued:

O: What is your date of birth?

A: July fifteenth.

O: What year?

A: Every year.

At Pearson Airport, a Macedonian man wrestles two enormous suitcases up to the customs desk after a month in the old country.

"Anything to declare, sir?"

"Only gifts from my mother."

The officer opens the first suitcase: fourteen jars of ajvar, a wheel of white cheese wrapped in hand-knitted socks, and a large plastic bottle labeled 'Spring Water.'

"Sir, is this alcohol?"

"No, no. That is rakija. It's medicine."

"Medicine? Prescribed by whom?"

"My mother."

"Is your mother a doctor?"

"Sir, in Macedonia every mother is a doctor. The rakija is for the knees, the ajvar is for the soul, and the socks are because she heard about your winters."

After twenty years in Toronto, Ilija finally took the citizenship oath. The judge shook his hand.

"Congratulations - you are now a Canadian citizen!"

Ilija's eyes filled with tears. "Sorry."

"Sorry? For what?"

"I don't know," said Ilija. "It just came out. I think the ceremony worked."

A son in Toronto set up video calling so he could see his mother in Skopje every Sunday.

"How does she look?" his wife asked after the call.

"No idea. Three years of video calls, and I've seen her ear, her thumb, and half the kitchen ceiling."

"Why don't you tell her to point the camera at her face?"

"I did once. She said: 'Why do you need to see me? You know what I look like. Better I show you the tomatoes.' Then I got a forty-minute tour of the garden. Honestly? Best call we ever had."

A newly arrived Macedonian stood shivering at a Toronto bus stop in February. He turned to the man beside him - a fellow Macedonian, judging by the leather jacket and the plastic bag of peppers.

"Brate, tell me. When does it finally get warm here?"

"How should I know? I only arrived twenty-two years ago."

Trajko's cousin visited from Skopje for the first time and got the grand tour of the house in Scarborough.

"Here is the kitchen - we don't cook there, it's for show. The dining room - we eat there twice a year. The living room - nobody has ever sat in it. The plastic on the couch is original, from 1987."

"Then where do you actually live?"

"The basement. That's where the real kitchen is, the real TV, the real couch. Upstairs is for guests."

"But I'm a guest, and we're sitting in the basement."

Trajko clapped him on the shoulder. "Exactly. You're family. If we take you upstairs, it means we don't like you."