☀️ Macedonia Jokes

A plane was taking off from Skopje Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 78, non-stop from Skopje to Toronto. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back, relax... and - OOOH MY GOD!"

Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

One of the passengers said: "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

An American and a Canadian were seated next to a Macedonian on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the American bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Canadian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man."

When the Macedonian remained silent, the Canadian smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the American arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

1. You have to prove that your state exists.
2. You have to prove that your language is not Bulgarian or Serbian.
3. You have to prove that you are a descendant of Alexander the Great and piss off the Greeks.
4. You can sing Partisan songs about Tito and epic songs about Goce Delcev.
5. You get to be researched by foreign sociologists interested in your identity.
6. You don't have to work even when you have to work, because you don't have work.
7. You get to be cosmopolitan and spit on all the nationalists.
8. Your country's biggest export is people who swear they're moving back next year.
9. You are the only country in the world that has had three names in thirty-five years without moving an inch — and you still call it by the first one.
10. Your country has the best climate conditions for producing tomatoes (and still your country imports tomatoes).

After 19 years without a census, Macedonia finally counted itself in 2021. The result: exactly 1,836,713 people.
About 430,000 are retired. That leaves 1,406,713 to do the work.
About 350,000 are in school, which leaves 1,056,713 to do the work.
About 130,000 are employed by the government, leaving 926,713 to do the work.
At any given time, 100,000 are in a hospital waiting room holding a paper number, which leaves 826,713 to do the work.
Half a million live in Toronto but happened to be back home visiting when the census came around — that leaves 326,713 to do the work.
Of these, 326,712 are between jobs, on sick leave, or working as consultants.
That leaves just ONE to do the work.
That's YOU (if you're Macedonian).
And you're sitting at your computer reading my jokes...

At the immigration office in Toronto, an old Macedonian was filling out a form.

"Place of birth?" asked the clerk.

"That's a long story."

"Sir, it's one line on the form."

"Young man, I was born in one country, did my army service in a second, and retired in a third — and I never once left my village."

The clerk stared at him. "How is that possible?"

"Simple. We don't move. The name does."

In 2021, Macedonia finally held its first census in nineteen years. The official result: 1,836,713 people.

A reporter asked the head of the statistics office: "How does it take nineteen years to count fewer than two million people?"

"The counting took a week," the official sighed. "Finding them took nineteen years. Half of them answered the door in Toronto."

"Tato, when is Macedonia joining the European Union?"

"Soon, sine. The talks are starting any day now."

"That's exactly what dedo says YOU asked HIM in 2005."

"You see? Twenty years, same answer. Consistency. That's why Europe respects us."

Every September, the Toronto Fire Service receives dozens of calls about thick smoke rising over Etobicoke.

A rookie firefighter jumped up at the first alarm, but the veteran captain waved him back into his chair.

"Relax, son. Red peppers? Big black pot? Whole family in the driveway since dawn?"

"Yes, sir! That's exactly what the caller described!"

"Stand down. That's not a fire. That's ajvar season. And if we hurry over there with the sirens on, we might embarrass them out of giving us a jar."

Filip video-called his baba in Bitola with big news.

"Baba, I got promoted! I'm making 120,000 dollars a year now!"

Baba wiped a proud tear, then leaned in close to the camera.

"Sine, that's wonderful. And with all that money, they still can't find you a wife and a house? What kind of company is this?"

"Baba, that's not how it works—"

"Eat something. You look thin. Success is making you thin."