💑 Man-Woman Jokes

A man gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts: "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery."

The wife says: "Wow! That's great! Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains?

He says: "I don't care. Just get the fuck out."

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted."

The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:

"You can have mine."

A woman gives birth to a baby and afterwards, the doctor comes in and says: "I have to tell you something about your baby."

The woman sits up in bed and says: "What's wrong with my baby, doctor? What's wrong?"

The doctor says: "Well... now... nothing's wrong exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."

The woman says: "A hermaphrodite... what's that?"

The doctor says: "Well, it means your baby has the... er... features... of both a female and a male."

The woman turns pale. She says: "Oh my God! What do you mean?"

The doctor: "Well, it has a Vagina... AND a Brain!"

Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Poker night 10.3 and Beer bash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can not seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but un-install does not work on this program.

1. It's more fun to look at.

2. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.

3. Wow, and your feet are so big.

4. It's ok, we'll work around it.

5. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.

6. What do you call this?

7. Is that an optical illusion?

8. What is that?

9. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.

10. Where's the rest of it?

From the supermarket, Marko called his wife: "They're out of the yogurt you like. Should I get the other brand, or the low-fat one, or—"

"Marko," she sighed, "you are a grown man. Just once, make a decision all by yourself."

He came home with a kayak.

"Turn left," said the GPS.

"Turn left," said his wife.

"I know a shortcut," said Dragan.

An hour later, deep in a cornfield, the GPS spoke again: "Recalculating."

His wife said nothing at all. She didn't have to. She and the GPS had already exchanged a look.

After twenty years of marriage, linguists could study our household. A short dictionary:

"On my way." (He has not left the house.)

"I'm fine." (She is not fine. Cancel your plans.)

"Do whatever you want." (Do not, under any circumstances, do whatever you want.)

"We need to talk." (You need to listen.)

"Did you hear me?" (No man in history has answered this question correctly.)

Vera asked her husband: "If I died, would you remarry?"

"No, darling."

"Why not? Don't you like being married?"

"I do."

"So you WOULD remarry!"

"No."

"Why not?!"

He folded his newspaper and stood up. "Twenty-five years, and I have finally learned there is no correct answer to this question. I'll be in the garage."

From the garage, he texted her: "But if YOU remarried, would he use my tools?"

She texted back: "He'd know how to."