💐 Mother's Day Jokes

"Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother.

The first said: "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third said: "I've got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the Bible and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks.

She wrote to the first son: "Milton, the house you built is too big. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

She wrote to the second son: "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never used the Mercedes... and the driver is SO rude."

She wrote to the third son: "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes... The chicken was delicious."

A family was having dinner on Mother's Day. For some reason the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked what was wrong.

"Nothing," said the woman.

Not buying it, he asked again: "Seriously, what's wrong?"

"Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother's Day, you don't even tell me so much as 'Thank you’."

"Why should I? Not once in 15 years have I gotten a Father's Day gift."

"Yes," she said... "But I'm their real mother."

A man called his mother in Florida: "Mom, how are you?"

"Not too good!" said the mother, "I've been very weak."

The son said: "Why are you so weak?"

She said: "Because I haven't eaten for 38 days."

The man said: "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten for 38 days?"

The mother answers: "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair. She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks: "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied: "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then asked: "Momma, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"

A daughter broke-up with her boyfriend.

She asked her Mother's advice about returning the gifts he'd given her.

Without a pause, her Mother replied: "Send back the stuffed animals and letters, but keep the jewelry for sentimental reasons."

1. To be in your children's memories tomorrow, you have to be in their lives today.

2. The smartest advice on raising children is to enjoy them while they are still on your side.

3. Raising a teenager is like nailing Jell-O a tree.

4. Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters and too young to borrow the family car.

5. There are three ways to get something done: Do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your children to do it.

6. Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm.

7. Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

8. Adolescence is the age at which children stop asking questions because they know all the answers.

9. An alarm clock is a device for awakening people who don't have small children.

10. Kids really brighten a household; they never turn off any lights.

1. You count the number of sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they are equal.

2. You have time to shave only one leg at at time.

3. You hide in the bathroom to be alone.

4. You hire a baby sitter because you haven't been out with your husband in ages, then you spend half the night talking about and checking on the kids.

5. You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into unusual shapes.

6. You fast-forward through the scene when the hunter shoots Bambi's mother.

7. You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you say: "Not in your good clothes".

8. You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.

9. You read that the average-five-year old asks 437 questions a day and feel proud that your kid is "above average".

10. You say at least once a day "I'm not cut out for this job," but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything.

If evolution really works, how come Mothers only have two hands!?

John: Mary, what shall we get for mother on Mother's Day?

Mary: A bed.

John Why?

Mary: All of us have nice beds to sleep on but poor mother has to share one with father.

For Mother's Day, the kids insisted Mom stay in bed while they made her breakfast.

She lay there listening: the blender, the smoke alarm, the dog barking, something wet hitting the ceiling.

An hour later they proudly carried in cold toast and orange juice with the seeds still in it.

"This is the best breakfast I have ever had," she declared — and she meant it. Any breakfast tastes better when the kitchen is someone else's problem.

Then she remembered whose problem it would be by noon.

On Mother's Day, Marko posted online: "To the best mother in the world — I owe you everything!"

It got 214 likes.

That evening his mother, who is not on social media, called him: "Marko, sine, were you planning to tell ME, or just the internet?"

"Mom, I posted—"

"Your brother brought flowers. But don't worry. I told everyone at church that you love me electronically."

Petar set up his smart assistant: "Remind me every Sunday to call my mother."

His mother found out.

Now every Sunday his phone reminds him to call his mother — and if he swipes it away, the phone rings anyway.

It's his mother. She set a reminder too: "Every Sunday, remind Petar that I gave him LIFE, and he needs a ROBOT to remember me."

"Mom, what do you want for Mother's Day?"

"Nothing, sweetheart. Don't waste your money."

So he didn't.

Scientists are still studying what happened next. All that is known for certain is that "nothing" did not mean nothing, and that his brother — who ignored her completely and brought flowers — is now the favourite.

Ask any married man: "nothing" is the most expensive gift on the market.