👴 Old People Jokes

An elderly gentleman had hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month and the doctor said: "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." To which the gentleman said: "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've already changed my will three times!"

Three old women are talking about their aches, pains and bodily dysfunctions.

One seventy-five year old woman says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."

An eighty year old woman says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."

The ninety year old woman says, "At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I crap like a cow."

"So what's your problem?" asked the others.

"I don't wake up until nine."

Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man: "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample!"

The old man says: "What?"

So the doctor yells it: "I need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample!"

With that the old woman turns to the old man and says: "He needs a pair of your underwear!"

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.

Two senior couples are walking along, wives in front, husbands in back. Herb says to Sam: "Gee, we went to a new restaurant last night and had the best meal ever. Good prices too."

Sam says, "Well, we like to eat out too. What was the name of the restaurant?"

Herb says: "You'll going to have to help me out here a little. What's the name of that pretty flower, smells sweet, grows on a thorny bush?"

Sam says, "How about rose?"

"Yes, yes, that's it!" cries Herb, then calls ahead to his wife.

"Rose. Hey, Rose. What was the name of the restaurant we ate at last night?"

An elderly couple was sitting together watching television. During a commercial, the husband asked his wife, "Whatever happened to our sexual relations?"

After a long thoughtful silence and during the next commercial, the wife replied, "You know, I don't know. I don't even think we got a Christmas card from them this year."

At age 4, success is not peeing in your pants.

At age 12, success is having friends.

At age 16, success is having a drivers license.

At age 20, success is having sex.

At age 35, success is having money.

At age 50, success is having money.

At age 60, success is having sex.

At age 70, success is having a drivers license.

At age 75, success is having friends.

At age 80, success is not peeing in your pants.

An old man says to the doctor: “Doctor, I lost my memory!”

Doctor: “When did this start?”

The old man: “When did what start!”

"Baba, you don't have to say 'please' and 'thank you' to the smart speaker. It's a machine."

"I know, dear."

"So why do you do it?"

Baba lowered her voice and glanced fondly at the speaker.

"Because when the robots finally take over, they will remember exactly who had manners. Good luck, sweetheart."

The bank teller suggested the old man could skip the line by using their smartphone app.

"I have something better than an app," he said. "It remembers all my passwords, all my appointments, and every mistake I've made since 1974."

"Really? What is it?"

"Her name is Menka. We're celebrating fifty years in June."

Two widowers were talking on a park bench.

"My grandson signed me up for the online dating," said Pero. "He wrote in my profile: 'Enjoys long walks.'"

"Is it true?"

"Absolutely. To the pharmacy, to the doctor's office, and back home. Any lady who can keep up is welcome to join me."

Dedo finally joined the family group chat.

Monday: he sent one thumbs-up.

Tuesday: fourteen good-morning pictures with roses and sunrises.

Wednesday: a chain message warning that Mars would appear larger than the Moon.

Thursday: he accidentally sold his grandson's bicycle in a neighbourhood marketplace group.

On Friday, the family voted to make him the admin. "He's clearly the only one doing anything around here."