🛒 Shopping Jokes

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked: "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Please, can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?"

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."

A six-year-old ran up and down the supermarket aisles shouting frantically: "Marian, Marian!"

Finally reunited with his mother, he was chided by her: "You shouldn't call me 'Marian.' I'm your mother"

"I know," said the child, "but the store is full of mothers."

A young woman was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when she noticed an old lady following her around, but she ignored her and continued on.

Finally she went to the checkout line, but she got in front of her.

She said: "Pardon me, I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my daughter, who just died recently."

The young woman replied: "I'm very sorry, is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes, as I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!'? It would make me feel so much better."

The young woman answered: "Sure!"

As the old woman was leaving, she called out: "Goodbye, Mother!"

As she stepped up to the checkout counter, she saw that her total was $298.

"How can that be?" she asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

The clerk answered: "Your mother said that you would pay for her!"

In the supermarket was a woman pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing girl. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies. When the woman told she couldn't have any, the girl began to cry. The woman kept repeating softly: "Don't get excited Monika, don't scream Monika, don't be upset Monika, don't yell Monika, keep calm Monika."

A woman standing next to her said: "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica!"

The mother replied: "I'm Monica!”

A woman walks into the butcher shop just before closing.

She says, "Thank Heavens I've made it in time! Have you any chicken?"

The butcher opens his fridge and takes out his only chicken, and plops it onto the scale. It weighs 2 1/2 pounds.

"Ah, haven't you anything bigger?" the woman inquires.

The butcher returns the chicken to the fridge, takes it out again, and plops it onto the scale, only this time, he keeps his finger on the chicken. The scale shows 3 1/4 pounds.

"Marvelous!" says the woman. "I'll have both of them please."

It was the day of the big sale.

Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses.

On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again.

As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line:

"That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"

- On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.

(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair)

- On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

(Evidently, the shoplifter special)

- On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.

(And that would be how?)

- On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.

(But it's *just* a suggestion)

- On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box): Do not turn upside down.

(Oops, too late!)

- On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.

(As night follows the day...)

- On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.

(But wouldn't this save even more time?)

- On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness.

(One would hope)

- On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.

(As opposed to what?)

- On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.

(I gotta admit, I'm curious)

- On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.

(NEWS FLASH)

- On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

(Step 3: Fly Delta)

- On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.

(Was there a chance of this happening somewhere?...Good God)

- On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

(I don't blame the company, I blame parents for this one)

- On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.

(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts)

"Do you have a four volt, two watt lamp?"

"For what?"

"No... two"

"Two what?"

"Yes"

"No"

An old man at the self-checkout waved over the store manager.

"Young man, I found the item, I scanned the item, I bagged the item, and I paid for the item. Now — where do I collect my salary?"

"Sir, that's not how it works—"

"Fine, fine. Employee discount, and we'll call it even."

Vera was returning a dress she'd bought online. The website offered three reasons: "Wrong size," "Wrong color," "Not as described."

She called customer service: "Where is the option 'My husband saw the credit card statement'?"

A man called the delivery company: "Your app says my package was delivered, and there's even a photo of it at the front door."

"So what seems to be the problem, sir?"

"It's a beautiful door. Now tell me where it lives."

In a Toronto supermarket, Baba Mena asked the clerk where to find the ajvar.

"Aisle five, international sauces — right next to the salsa."

Baba Mena crossed herself.

"Young man. Ajvar is not a sauce. Ajvar is a member of the family."